Being lost is an awfully great adventure.

Today was my first time on Flagstaff's urban trail. I lived here for a year and had heard how beautiful it was but never had taken the time to see it for myself. I really felt like I was in a completely different place. Like the sacred garden or my personal piece of heaven. Even when I saw others on the trail.

Due to my serious lack of responsibility I have been somewhat forced to move back to Flagstaff. At first I hated the idea but now I feel this is my official new chapter in my life. Thanks to the skills I've learned from Vector Marketing I know that I can still be a rock star anywhere I go. I will still sell when I can but I'm going to also try everything I've always been afraid to do. I don't want to be afraid of succeeding anymore. It's a silly thing to fear

Speaking of Vector Marketing; Amber and I started talking because there were a lot of things on my mind. Bryan being one of them. I think if I were to go back to kingman I would go trying to impress him. We were talking about what we want out of our significant other and I want someone who knows how weird I am, how odd my sense of humor is, someone who knows how I think and still likes me. I feel like I've already scared him. So that's that. He said he would come visit me but as soon as he said " I promise " I didn't expect him to ever come. I have some trust issues. Especially with boys I don't know very well.

I sent an application into the city of kingman office for a part time transit operator. We'll see what comes of it.

Remember me tonight, when you're asleep.

One more week until our vector marketing conference and 34 days until I turn 19. It's been five days since Grandpa Proctor's funeral and three days since Grandma and Grandpa Proctor's anniversary.
It just amazes me how I can have so many different thoughts about life and people in my life in just a short amount of time. Up until Monday night I thought I was practically in love with my manager but in just reading an article in the New Era can change how I look at him. Pretty much I "loved" him because he makes me happy. I enjoy talking with him (we have to call before and after every demo). He seemed to make me feel like I could really do anything but I feel like he's good at it cause he has to. I feel like we could be really good friends but I don't know if that's something he'd be interested in. I mean it's a summer job. Maybe that's how long our "relationship" will last.

I've come to the conclusion that I probably will not have some summer romance. Or any type of romance for a while. I need to guard my heart a little bit and try to make it a little stronger so it can fight a little better :)

I am not alone. I never have been. I don't know why I thought I was. It seemed easier to complain about it but I realize now that I really don't need to cause I am not the first one to feel bad for herself. To feel like she will never get a happily ever after or have her first kiss. I think once I realize that even if I don't get those things, I WILL BE OKAY! Life is short so I'm just going to have fun and do my best to be my best. Thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooo much Maddie and Tegan. I wasn't sure if coming home would be a good idea but I know this is what I needed. You two are the best.

Keep on the Sunny Side

So I am super excited about my job at Vector Marketing. Mind you, it's still not the easiest thing but I'm having fun and I like meeting new people and I truly am in love with cutco. I'm sure some of my friends still think I'm crazy for doing this but life is short so why not be crazy for a summer? I also get to spend a lot of time with Tegan Gibelyou and a new friend Maddie Peterson. These two ladies are just great and I love them dearly. All three of us were promoted(?) to Key Staff. Basically that means we're awesome. Things are still moving pretty slowly but I feel like that will change soon and if not, then I did my best and will keep at it cause I want to!

It's going to be a long half summer...

So I have recently started working with Vector Marketing selling Cutco Cutlery in good ol' Kingman Arizona. It's great that it's in Kingman because I know a lot of people/families but selling stuff is hard! Don't get me wrong it's something I'm excited about, especially the product and the opportunity to try something new and challenging but it is not so easy. And the fact that my manager is really cute and just a little older than me doesn't help. I'm a classic fool but I admit I'm learning faster. The goal is to just not even get attached. Anyway, I made the mistake of thinking I was a "favorite" to say the least but he's "far too busy and important" and I'm not planning on staying here for the entire summer.

Back to Cutco Cutlery.

I am going to stick it through. It would be easier to give up and take things personally but I want to prove to those who doubted and to myself that I can do this even though it's not easy. Especially because it's not easy. This is probably going to be the most educational summer of my life. At least that's what I imagine in me mind ;)

An Update

So I have made my final decision concerning my career and major. I am going to be a special education teacher. I can see myself really enjoying it and I will definitely have a job once I graduate.

Lately I've been feeling somewhat conflicted... I need to find a summer job and try to be more social. My friend Aerol is making a little movie over the summer and he's asked me to help. Last time I spent a summer with Aerol I had some serious emotional issues. I still have some emotional issues but more on that later. I want to see him but my best-est friend, James, doesn't want me to... I really want to stay here and try to get more comfortable if that's possible.

About the job; my boss, Pete, is sexist. I'm not saying that just because of this event. He's always been sexist. Since there are some issues with budgets and people sitting around Pete and Judy have decided to only let six people work this summer. Personally I wanted to try to find a new job anyway but I didn't think I would be forced to in order to survive. Amber's pretty ticked off so I hear about it a lot. I'll try to let you know how it turns out.

My emotional issues; I've always had a hard time with self esteem but I'm now realizing that I am scared of people. In first grade I was forced into a tree by two boys I had hung out with almost an entire year. I really don't know why they did it but I don't think I want to know. It seems kind of stupid now but when you're only in first grade and think everything is okay and then the next thing you know your "friends" are throwing rocks at you and when you try to run away they grab you and try to tear you down. In third grade my own sister forced me to kiss a boy that I had no intention of kissing. I tried to hide but they found me and wouldn't let me go until I did it. I've never felt so disgusting in my life. In fifth grade the same sister would come home and ask if she could pee on my grave when I died. I won't tell every story but I feel like I have been abused and neglected to I run and I hide from everyone because I am afraid and I HATE it.

I have built a wall around me and I wait to see who will climb over to "save" me. I wait and just hope that they won't be like everyone else. This last Friday I asked someone not to give up on me. I never thought I would ask that but I see it as improvement. I want him to hang around but it's not fair to force him. He said he wouldn't give up on me if I didn't give up on me so this is me not giving up.

Boo...

I've been having these kind of feelings for a while and I think writing them down somewhere will help me not feel them anymore. I feel like I don't know jack crap about anything. Seriously. I don't know how to cook obviously. I don't know how to talk to people face to face. I don't know how to take a compliment. I don't know diddly squat. That is all.

Happy President's Day!

Yeah. About that. Seems like everyone else I know got it off except the fine students at NAU. Boo!

Anyway.

This morning I did not want to get out of bed. Seriously. I think my body new it was a holiday. But I did and I went to work and then I went to my institute class and felt good about the lesson. Then I went shopping at Target and got chocolate and I ate it all. Needless to say I felt pretty lethargic and gross. Luckily Amber invited me to go work out and we did and it was great! We did weights for about 20 minutes and then cardio for about 40. We mostly worked on our arms but all in all I feel great. Thank you Amber for helping get out and about.

It's a new life for me and I'm feeling good.

So whilst I was feeling sad because Amber was sad and I didn't know what to do or say I decided that I'm not going to do that anymore. If Amber is sad I will not feel sad. I will give her my input and let her do what she will with it. That goes for anyone really. I can choose how I feel every hour of every day and I hate feeling sad so I'm not going to do it anymore.
I watch Grey's Anatomy tonight and it's an earlier episode so Dr. Grey is seeing a shrink. A line the shrink said kind of stuck out. I don't remember the exact quote but something along the lines of if you live your life like you don't want to live then you'll end up dying. It sounded a lot better on the tube but I am done running and I'm tearing down this big wall I've built up. It won't be easy but I'm going to do it! Here's to the future! :D