A Time of Reflection

Today was one of those perfect Sundays. It didn't start out as anything spectacular (heck, I didn't even shower!) but I started a fast and was thinking about who I want to be and who I am right now. There's kind of a boy but the more I interact with him the less I want to do so. For starters, he doesn't open my door for me and I know from talking to my sister, Amber, that's enough to say, "Next!" We're just not on the same level. I really just want to focus on school and think about serving a mission. The answer I'm getting is "Not now, but keep it as an option." I have a firm testimony of The Book of Mormon but I would really like to have a better understanding of the other standard works. I'm reading the New Testament through for the first time. After that is The Book of Mormon again and then the Doctrine and Covenants. I'm a little surprised at how fast I'm getting through it. I'm in Romans right now and I love it! I think by the end of tonight I'll be finished and on to 1 Corinthians! Jennica Peck and I had an awesome heart to heart. We both know the Church of Jesus Christ is the true church and that everything about it is true and correct but sometimes people can drive us crazy! They just say things and sometimes you just want to ask them if they think before they speak. We just talked about mistakes we've made and experiences we've had that are somewhat regrettable but they've made us who we are. She has a boyfriend right now who is on a mission. He barely left so it's going to be a long wait but she loves him and I truly believe they can make it. She sent out a boy on a mission before and broke up with him so people are somewhat assuming that she's going to do the same thing with Mark. I won't divulge her personal life but I know that Anthony did not treat her with the respect she deserves and that's enough for me to break up with someone too. Whatever happens I know Jennica is not a shallow person and has enough respect for herself to do the hard thing, even if people around her may see her differently. I love her and always will. She also told me this amazing story that pretty much changed my life. There was this couple, the boy was going on a mission and the girl was going to BYU. I believe they were actually going to the MTC to send the man off but the car rolled and she died. They had talked and planned on getting married after his mission so the man asked the girl's mom if he could put a ring on her finger and put his last name on the tomb stone and mother allowed him to do so. The mother of the boy wrote to the prophet and explained the situation and asked if there was a way that they could be sealed. I don't know how the laws of heaven work but the prophet okayed it and the girl's mother stood in her place. The man is now married to someone else but she knows that she is his second wife. It sounds a little crazy and far-fetched but if it is true it just testifies to me that Heavenly Father believes in marriage and true love. I always knew that but it really struck me tonight. I want to love like that. Really want to be with someone eternally, not the fleeting, stupid crap. Sometimes I'll look at couples and wonder "What would happen if he became paralyzed?" or "What if she got Alzheimer's? Would they still make it? Would they stand by each other's side?" There's quite a few that I really don't know and there's a chance that I'm wrong about that, but with a few I feel like I know without a shadow of a doubt that they would do just about anything for that other person. I think we are selfish beings by nature so it's a miracle when someone feels that way about another human being. I want to be absolutely crazy about my husband!!! To be honest, I don't think I'm going to find him here in Kingman and that's quite alright because I know that when it's right and real, the "waiting" part won't seem like such a bother. It doesn't mean it will be easy and I'm sure I'll get impatient from time to time but I know I can get over it and I will. :-D

I'm trying but not as much as I should be

So it's been a while. I stopped blogging mostly because Sam and I started making out and I didn't think anyone really wanted to know about that (especially after finding out my dad has read some of my posts...) but for those of you who don't already know, Sam and I broke up about a month ago, possibly to the day. I don't really remember but anyways... he said his life has gotten too busy and it really has but part of me wonders if there were other reasons. And there probably are/were but that doesn't change the fact that it's over and there's nothing I can do about it. Now that I've kind of stepped back and looked it over I realize now that it was probably going to end sooner or later. I just read a post from Tegan's blog and some of the things she wrote about what a relationship needs just didn't really apply to Sam and I. I didn't feel comfortable around him and I didn't feel like I could ever really open up to him. At least not any time soon. As far as how I feel about it all... If I had to sum it up I would have to say " I'm glad it happened but I'm glad it's over now." I wasn't being honest with Sam or with myself. I think we did it all wrong and I'm pretty sure that's my fault. I may be a little old fashioned but I think being someone's girlfriend means you're thinking about really getting to know this person and has marriage potential. You should marry your best friend and that takes time so go out on dates, hang out, become friends and then see where it goes from there. My thought process is a committed relationship is saying " I'm trying to figure out if I want to marry you and you're doing a pretty good job so far." and then the proposal is saying " I've made up my mind, I want to seal the deal." I knew that's not what Sam was thinking from the very beginning and I think if I had the courage to say no I could have saved some heartache and regret. I think the biggest thing I'm afraid of now is what people think and say. I kind of disappeared after Thanksgiving so I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was hiding out and maybe I was. I'd never been through a break up before! I wanted to be with my family and I am so glad I was. I went to Phoenix/Avondale/Buckeye to help my sister Amber with her choir concert and while I was there I got to spend a lot of time with John, Angela, Emma, and Owen. John and Angela used to live in New Mexico so we didn't see them much so it was nice to spend some quality time with Emma and Owen and hopefully they realized how awesome I am. Owen seems to get it but Emma may need a little more convincing ;) Anywho... My brother Rob gave me an assignment to read two talks given by General Authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One was given General Conference by Dieter F. Uchtdorf "You Matter to Him" and one by Richard G. Scott "To Acquire Knowledge and the Strength to Use it Wisely" given during a devotional at BYU. I read them and was grateful for the opportunity to talk with my older brother about them and he gave me some "tough love". It may have been tough for him to say it but I am grateful that he did. I kind of lost my focus and even forgot some of the things that I used to be super passionate about. I want to travel and play racquetball and sign up for some awesome dance lessons. I want to do so many things but I fear I've become too comfortable being idle. I need to get some guts and earn some glory. I applied for a few jobs online today but I need to do the check up as well. I think I'm going to re-read those talks and remember what Rob told me. I haven't been living up to my potential and I want to repent. I did finish The Book of Mormon and I've shared my testimony twice now during Fast and Testimony meeting. The recent plan is to still get my CNA certificate and possibly get the rest of my requirements met for my Associates Degree and do the Online Diagnostic Imaging and Therapy program through NAU. Hopefully that means I can get back to Flagstaff and work full-time and do my class assignments when I have that spare time. Here's to a new dawn, a new day, a new life.

"I'm in Lesbians with you"

I'm just going to work backwards cause it helps me remember things. Today was my first pay day with Denny's. Yay monies!!! Work... it has it's ups and downs. Today wasn't a great day. It wasn't terrible either. I think I'm just tired today and I may be getting sick. I feel kind of hot right now and that's making me feel a little irritable. A coworker of mine asked if I was a lesbian today and kept going on about it. It was funny at the time but now I just feel annoyed by it all. I'm sure I'm overreacting but I'm a little worried that this coworker will tell people jokingly and then they'll assume things and I don't want to be seen as something I'm not. I feel like bad things could happen. I don't know. Let it be known that I am terrible at video games. I used to be able to get through games but now, it's a little embarrassing. Sam and I played TimeSplitters. I had fun, I'm just not very good and I let him know that. Sam's brother, Ben, was there for a little bit, but he left us to hang with his girlfriend, Amber. We kept playing for a while and then Sam's coworker and friend, Michael joined us. We mostly played in the arcade and did some of the challenges. With the challenges, it was mostly Sam and Michael. I tried twice but it was just bad. Just dreadful. Michael doesn't have the internet so he really wanted to browse through Youtube and show us a song called "You might be a Mormon". It's all silly but jolly good fun all the same. We ended up watching the Divine Comedy's Lord of the Engagement Ring Trilogy. Good, clean humor. I'd seen it before but it had been a while. It was getting late so Sam kicked Michael out. I don't remember how it happened but Sam ended up lying on the floor and was holding onto my leg, trying to get me to fall down. I ended up just sitting by Sam's head and he told me the history of his pillows. I also discovered that we both like orange juice and lemons. Something small but I really liked just talking with him. I actually didn't say much but it was nice all the same. I really like him :) As of this last Wednesday it's been two weeks. It's weird and crazy and fun. I'm trying not to worry about things so much. I've been stressed about work and about how things are going to work with Sam but I need to stop doing that. I should care and put effort into everything but I shouldn't let doubts and fears overwhelm me. If Denny's doesn't want me, it wouldn't be the most terrible thing ever. If Sam decided to dump me, it would hurt but I know that I could get over it with time and prayers. I know what I want out of my life and that's all I can really work on right now. Anyway! Sam's birthday was this last Monday. I built him a cake with the help of Alyse Cherry and Amy Munn. They are both awesome and fill my life with laughter. I have a picture that I'd like to post but I can't find the chord to do so maybe another day. He really liked the cake and I really liked making it for him. We held a little party at Hans's. There was dancing, hot dogs, love sacs, and Quelf. Oh how I love Quelf!!! My children will grow up with that game!

Sam met my family, well most of them in one setting. He worked for my dad, he met my mom when he helped with the piano moving project and again when I made him dinner. He met Shannon briefly at Papa John's and apparently she glared at him. I don't know. He knew Amber from when she lived in Kingman but other than that he'd never met anyone else. It was a bit soon, I think it had been a week and a half but most of my family was here so it seemed like an opportune moment. I wasn't really expecting him to come to the birthday party but he did. What a champ! Everyone had been asking me questions about him and in all honesty, I didn't really know. I knew he had a mine and I only knew that from a few days earlier. I knew that he grew up in Hawaii and served a mission in Oakland, California. I still don't know his favorite color or anything too specific. I know he likes country music. The Mesa Temple was his first temple to go through. He destroyed his face once while riding a bike, He's the middle child. He knows how to cook, he knows computer stuff, he's a hard worker, he doesn't want to go to college, his middle name is Sterling. Just little things but I love that kid. I think I kind of fell for him when he told me he was trying to impress me on our first date. I know I'm sounding crazy right now but your brain is on drugs when you're in love so I can blame it on that. I haven't said the "L" word to him but I can see myself being happy with him for the rest my life. Nothing is guaranteed though. I think now that we've started talking more it's getting worse. Or better, depending on how you see it. I'm just going to go with it. Be myself and have fun :)

"I Gotta Girlfriend."

If you haven't heard from Facebook yet, Sam and I are going out now :D! There's quite a bit that I haven't blogged about so be prepared for a long post :) Sam was sick for about a week and a half so I didn't see him at Institute on Wednesday but I was praying he'd get better, other than that not a whole lot going on. Friday, September 30th, Chelaine, Kara, Amber, Diane and myself went to St. George, Utah and viewed "The Little Mermaid" at the Tuacahn. It was wonderful. The Tuacahn is an outdoor theater and the stage actually had water running across it and they did an awesome job doing the transition and portraying being underwater vs. being on land or the surface of the water. The vocals weren't that bad either. Amber and I drove up together and she came back with me. I needed to come back because I had orientation with Denny's at 8 am the next morning. Amber has this pretty interesting book about the Chinese Zodiac so we read from that and ended up talking about "our men" for most of the drive. I am a metal sheep. Basically I complain a lot and can be quite deceitful if I want something done my way (according to this book). The book also said that an ox would be a bad match for me. Guess what Sam's Zodiac sign is? I'm not sure what element he is but he's an ox. Amber is a Fire Tiger, which is awesome because she's a red head and pretty darn sassy. Ben is a snake and again, the book suggests a tiger and a snake should should not hook up. I guess in a way it could be seen as somewhat of a Romeo and Juliet thing; the world says we shouldn't be together but we're going for it. General Conference was this same weekend. Unfortunately I missed the Saturday morning session because of the orientation but luckily technology is awesome so I can listen to it and take notes and all that fun stuff. I always love General Conference because I know that there is something in there just for me. The prophet and his counselors have prayed and studied, and prayed some more for the world and have been inspired to share a specific message. This General Conference was kind of different to me because it made me think of Conference in April. That session of General Conference prompted me to move back to Kingman, Arizona. I had no idea why and didn't expect life to work out so well for me. I didn't move back with the intent to get married. And I don't know if Sam and I will work out but I didn't expect to have a guy that I liked to like me back, it's never happened before. I didn't know where I would be working or if I would even find work. All of these things have increased my testimony of following the promptings of the spirit and going forward with faith. I watched to Sunday afternoon session of conference with Sam at his house, where he made me dinner. We still weren't official at this point but I figured this was a great opportunity to really let him know that I was interested in him. There was some cuddling and falling asleep and some giggles, a jolly good time. Mind you I was still nervous about everything. A few people have told me that it would be weird to see me with somebody so I guess subconsciously I thought it would be weird to see me with somebody too. Wednesday night was Institute, as usual. I felt a little nervous going in because there was a 50/50 chance that Sam would be there and he can give me butterflies in my stomach area. I got them right now just thinking about him and us. Anyway, I sit next to him and it seems to take us a while to get comfortable again with each other. I think it's my fault. I'm scared that I'll do something or say something that will make him change his mind. I really just need to get over it. I digress. We talked to each other throughout the lesson and at the end of the lesson Maddie was making an announcement concerning a new missionary effort and since fast Sunday was coming up, we should start thinking of someone now and fast in their behalf. While she was making that announcement, Sam nudges me and says "Hey, do you wanna be my girlfriend?" I smiled really big and said "Sure." He did kind of a pump down thing and said "Yessssss!" Right after that he was to say the closing prayer. I didn't hear one word of that prayer. I got a boyfriend!!! After the prayer, he started talking about chocolate and peanut butter. It seemed appropriate. A girl, Chelsea Birch, I think is a member but hasn't been able to really come to Institute or any other YSA activities so Sam asked me to be friendly so I introduced myself and got to know her a little bit. After that I went to put my scriptures in my car and Sam had to go to his uncle's house. I ended up with Sam's jacket because it was cold and windy. We ended up at Sam's truck because I was returning his straps he let us use to move our piano. That's when he went in for a kiss. It was windy so my hair was all up in my face! So we rotated so the wind was blowing my hair away from my face for the most part but some were still getting all up in my grill so Sam ends up having to embrace my face with his arms and hands and gives me a little peck. I'm walking on sunshine at this moment!!! I go back inside of the church to warm up and play whatever sport we decided on (volleyball). I have to tell someone that fantastic news. Amber Vargas had been rooting for us so while the ball is not by us a run over to her and just tell her I have a boyfriend so we giggle and she gives me a big ol' hug. I decided to let her tell Ben. We had planned on doing something outside on Tuesday but it had rained so I volunteered to make dinner Thursday night. It wasn't as smooth or anything as I would've liked but still pretty fun. I made fajitas and cut up some fresh pineapple and made a pumpkin roll. After dinner and desert we went downstairs and watched "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog." It's a pretty short movie so we watched some youtube videos. Some Homestar Runner videos and some Victor Borge. For some odd reason my car alarm went off so we went upstairs to check it out and then Sam had to take off because he doesn't do late nights. I'm a hugger so when I'm departing with a friend I give a hug first, it's just a habit of mine but I don't think Sam knows that so me not kissing him first may come off as me being stand-offish. I just don't really know what to do. I sent him a text after he left kind of explaining that and he was so sweet about it. Yesterday was the YSA co-ed camp out and I could tell that he wants more. Trust me, I wish I could give him just a little more but it's out of my comfort zone so just another thing I have to get over. It may be little awkward at first but I'm never going to learn if I don't try. This last week I've been training with Denny's. It is INTENSE!!! Overall I'm excited to start working but I don't think I've ever felt this overwhelmed before in my life. Now that's I'm thinking about it, I don't feel nearly as scared as I was before. It may be rough to first few weeks but if I'm not supposed to work here, the managers will know and will let me know. I was ready to quit today but I really should just give this a chance and it'll be for a few months and hopefully I will have everything figured out with MCC and be able to start in the spring and work towards a career. I don't know if they'll want me at Denny's part-time but if not then I'm going to have to look for other employment or just scrimp and save everything. Once I have my CNA certification I should find a job easy. We'll just see how everything goes. Here's to the future!

Uh Oh...

So... My phone is officially dead to me. It refuses to turn on so my solution for that was to purchase an Ipod touch (8 GB). My number for that is 928-693-7323. I also purchased two journals since General Conference is coming up and my own personal journal is getting close to being full. This Friday Chelaine Hoffer, Diane Cramer, Kara Paul, Amber Vargas, and I will be going to St. George to see "The Little Mermaid" at the Tuacahn. Needless to say I am excited. I will be driving back to Kingman that night because I have orientation at Denny's the next day at 8 am! I feel like things are finally just working themselves out. I'm finally going to be working and kind of living the life I want to be living. In all honesty I didn't expect to be back in Kingman long term but I guess it just worked out that way. I am going to attend Mohave Community College in the spring and work on becoming a nurse. I'm pretty sure there will be bumpy times ahead but that's a part of life and that's how we grow. The YSA here had a little boating trip this last Saturday. It was a jolly good time. I tried wake-boarding (basically snowboarding on the water). I tried last year which ended in a lot of sore muscles but I got a lot closer to standing up this time. I hurt a little bit but I can still function. Woopa! No big update with Sam. He was sick on the lake trip and didn't go to church the next day so I made him some cream of chicken soup. I feel like I haven't been letting on how much I like him very well. I'm treading unknown waters here. I've made a lot of the same mistakes with guys before and I don't want to make them again with him. He's a wonderful man and I don't want to scare him away. It's still too soon to tell anything but I want things to work out for the best.

Date #2

I got a text from Sam around 5:30 asking if I wanted to sing with him at Amber Vargas's house. I asked him when so he called me. My phone has been acting up for quite some time now so when he called it immediately turned off. I went to my room to charge it and see it Sam had left a voice mail. He had. I gave him some crap cause he took me to a movie for the first date. It's just not the best idea. Yeah, I'm a huge fan of movies but if I'm supposed to try to be getting to know you then it's not the best environment to do so. We did end up talking through the entire thing so it wasn't bad but he defended his choice a little in the message. I called him back and basically just set up the time for the shindig and gave an okay to order pizza. I said 7:00 so I show up at Amber's at 7:00. Turns out the boys were purchasing the game and getting the pizzas for us right around that time so Amber and I dish a little bit and listen to Kesha's "Cannibal" and "Grow a Pear". Both were really fun and now I want to get the whole album. They show up around 7:30ish and we start eating and talking. There was a Young Single Adult "get to know you" activity that night. Turns out only four people went but our defense YSA activities are supposed to get people out on dates, we were just a step ahead of those four. I know Brian and Maddie had a volleyball thing and when we left Amber's we saw Han's truck at Diane's place so I think everyone was just a little busy. We start playing the game (Disney's Sing it) and Amber and Ben are beating us every time! It didn't help that Sam was making me laugh every time I had to sing. Sam was pretty tired even before they came over so he was a trooper all the way. It started getting bad right around 9:30 so at 10:00 we decided to call it quits. I don't know about Ben and Amber but I was getting kind of sleepy too. I told Sam I'd walk him out to his car but my car was across the street so he walked me to mine and I think he wanted a kiss. I've never really kissed a guy before and I still don't know a whole lot about him so I'm not ready to do that quite yet. I want to explain this to him but I don't want it to be awkward if that's not what he wanted. He wants to go shooting and there's a boating trip Saturday. I don't know what'll happen at either event but I've been thinking about it and I sincerely like Sam. Like I said, I don't know a whole lot about him and he doesn't know a whole lot about me so I don't want to get too physical or anything (he put his arm around me and I laid up against him) but I do like him so there's potential. '

I Feel My Savior's Love

Well.... I did go painting with Sam, Ben, and Amber which was a blast. We never actually got to the painting bit but we picked out the portrait we want to try to reproduce. The reason we did not get to painting was because we ended up going to Safeway to pick up some ingredients needed for calzones. We made said calzones and watched "Inception" (always a classic). I carpooled with Amber so we ended up staying pretty late. Her and Ben had been getting pretty close so I felt bad about getting tired but I need my sleep! Turns out the next day Ben officially asked Amber to go out with him so they are together now :D All in all, jolly good fun :) In other news, I went on a date with Sam Gale! I've been on a date before but they were all with guys who were gay or were just good friends. This was my first date with someone who actually likes me. I know that he likes me from other sources such as my dad and he kind of made it obvious a few times before. There is a 5 year age gap but age is just the number of years you've been around. Nothing more. Anyway, I'm just going to go into all of the details on here because I can :) After the "painting" night I hadn't really talked to Amber, Sam, or Ben. Sam did save me a seat during Institute but other than that, nothing. It was really fun and I don't think I ever said thank you. Sunday was Stake Conference so I didn't get a chance to say thanks for all the fun times so I texted him late Sunday night. The next morning I have a message from him that reads " I think I may still owe you painting but I'm thinking a movie will have to do in the mean time." How smooth was that?! I just said "That'd be great!" He then said "I'll pick you up at 7. I expect flowers. JK" As soon as I read the JK I thought he was kidding about the whole thing. Later in the day he calls me and leaves a voice message singing about going to a movie. I couldn't understand it very well but I called him back and we went to "Contagion" at 7:25. He did pick me up at 7 and I gave him a flower made from duct tape. I even sprayed it so it wouldn't smell like duct tape. As he opened the door for me he let me know that he was trying to impress me. I let him know that it was working. We ended up talking through the entire movie. The theater was pretty empty but there was a man sitting in the row in front of us, slightly to the right. He didn't yell or anything but we could tell he wasn't happy because he promptly took off as soon as the credits started. Oops. Richard G. Scott said that going to a movie on the first date is just stupid. I didn't think it was stupid cause we ended up talking to each other throughout but I don't think I couldn't/would've done that with just anyone. I was a little nervous at first (and I'm a little nervous now cause he wants to sing tonight) but as soon as we starting going it all just felt natural. I've never gotten to this point with anyone before so I'm a little out of my league here but I know that I just need to have fun and let the dice fall where they will. Wish me luck! I went on a hike with Shadow today. I went to one of the places I remember first gaining a testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I went to camp Levi-Levi, where the Kingman, Arizona stake holds there girl's camp every year. I believe I was 13 about to enter high school and the year before my friend Mishaunna Bowling had died in a car accident. I'd thought about her often that year but was excited about starting high school at this time. It was the Thursday before all of us girls would go back home. That's the night we have a testimony meeting with our wards and then with all of the girls together. I don't remember if I bore my testimony or not but the closing song was " I Am a Child of God" and that's the first time I remember feeling a huge outpouring of the spirit. I went back there today because last night Brother Alleman taught a great lesson about the temple and I can't really afford to go to Vegas and back so I went to the mountains, to the place where I first remember feeling close to my Savior. I went to the area where it happened and sang "How Great Thou Art". It was really cool because each time I sang the chorus the wind would blow through the trees and would make the beautiful sounds nature makes. After I finished the hymn, I said a little prayer of gratitude and made my way back down the mountain. Call it a tender mercy or not, I know that I am a child of God and that I am supposed to be here at this time. I know that He loves all His children and wants nothing more than for us to be obedient and return to His presence.