An Update

So I have made my final decision concerning my career and major. I am going to be a special education teacher. I can see myself really enjoying it and I will definitely have a job once I graduate.

Lately I've been feeling somewhat conflicted... I need to find a summer job and try to be more social. My friend Aerol is making a little movie over the summer and he's asked me to help. Last time I spent a summer with Aerol I had some serious emotional issues. I still have some emotional issues but more on that later. I want to see him but my best-est friend, James, doesn't want me to... I really want to stay here and try to get more comfortable if that's possible.

About the job; my boss, Pete, is sexist. I'm not saying that just because of this event. He's always been sexist. Since there are some issues with budgets and people sitting around Pete and Judy have decided to only let six people work this summer. Personally I wanted to try to find a new job anyway but I didn't think I would be forced to in order to survive. Amber's pretty ticked off so I hear about it a lot. I'll try to let you know how it turns out.

My emotional issues; I've always had a hard time with self esteem but I'm now realizing that I am scared of people. In first grade I was forced into a tree by two boys I had hung out with almost an entire year. I really don't know why they did it but I don't think I want to know. It seems kind of stupid now but when you're only in first grade and think everything is okay and then the next thing you know your "friends" are throwing rocks at you and when you try to run away they grab you and try to tear you down. In third grade my own sister forced me to kiss a boy that I had no intention of kissing. I tried to hide but they found me and wouldn't let me go until I did it. I've never felt so disgusting in my life. In fifth grade the same sister would come home and ask if she could pee on my grave when I died. I won't tell every story but I feel like I have been abused and neglected to I run and I hide from everyone because I am afraid and I HATE it.

I have built a wall around me and I wait to see who will climb over to "save" me. I wait and just hope that they won't be like everyone else. This last Friday I asked someone not to give up on me. I never thought I would ask that but I see it as improvement. I want him to hang around but it's not fair to force him. He said he wouldn't give up on me if I didn't give up on me so this is me not giving up.