I'm trying but not as much as I should be

So it's been a while. I stopped blogging mostly because Sam and I started making out and I didn't think anyone really wanted to know about that (especially after finding out my dad has read some of my posts...) but for those of you who don't already know, Sam and I broke up about a month ago, possibly to the day. I don't really remember but anyways... he said his life has gotten too busy and it really has but part of me wonders if there were other reasons. And there probably are/were but that doesn't change the fact that it's over and there's nothing I can do about it. Now that I've kind of stepped back and looked it over I realize now that it was probably going to end sooner or later. I just read a post from Tegan's blog and some of the things she wrote about what a relationship needs just didn't really apply to Sam and I. I didn't feel comfortable around him and I didn't feel like I could ever really open up to him. At least not any time soon. As far as how I feel about it all... If I had to sum it up I would have to say " I'm glad it happened but I'm glad it's over now." I wasn't being honest with Sam or with myself. I think we did it all wrong and I'm pretty sure that's my fault. I may be a little old fashioned but I think being someone's girlfriend means you're thinking about really getting to know this person and has marriage potential. You should marry your best friend and that takes time so go out on dates, hang out, become friends and then see where it goes from there. My thought process is a committed relationship is saying " I'm trying to figure out if I want to marry you and you're doing a pretty good job so far." and then the proposal is saying " I've made up my mind, I want to seal the deal." I knew that's not what Sam was thinking from the very beginning and I think if I had the courage to say no I could have saved some heartache and regret. I think the biggest thing I'm afraid of now is what people think and say. I kind of disappeared after Thanksgiving so I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was hiding out and maybe I was. I'd never been through a break up before! I wanted to be with my family and I am so glad I was. I went to Phoenix/Avondale/Buckeye to help my sister Amber with her choir concert and while I was there I got to spend a lot of time with John, Angela, Emma, and Owen. John and Angela used to live in New Mexico so we didn't see them much so it was nice to spend some quality time with Emma and Owen and hopefully they realized how awesome I am. Owen seems to get it but Emma may need a little more convincing ;) Anywho... My brother Rob gave me an assignment to read two talks given by General Authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One was given General Conference by Dieter F. Uchtdorf "You Matter to Him" and one by Richard G. Scott "To Acquire Knowledge and the Strength to Use it Wisely" given during a devotional at BYU. I read them and was grateful for the opportunity to talk with my older brother about them and he gave me some "tough love". It may have been tough for him to say it but I am grateful that he did. I kind of lost my focus and even forgot some of the things that I used to be super passionate about. I want to travel and play racquetball and sign up for some awesome dance lessons. I want to do so many things but I fear I've become too comfortable being idle. I need to get some guts and earn some glory. I applied for a few jobs online today but I need to do the check up as well. I think I'm going to re-read those talks and remember what Rob told me. I haven't been living up to my potential and I want to repent. I did finish The Book of Mormon and I've shared my testimony twice now during Fast and Testimony meeting. The recent plan is to still get my CNA certificate and possibly get the rest of my requirements met for my Associates Degree and do the Online Diagnostic Imaging and Therapy program through NAU. Hopefully that means I can get back to Flagstaff and work full-time and do my class assignments when I have that spare time. Here's to a new dawn, a new day, a new life.