A little perspective for ya

So.... I just had my 22nd birthday about a week and a half ago. It was not the worst birthday but it wasn't the best either. If anything I gained a new perspective on what is most important and that is the perfect gift for me. So the story goes like this: Every year the Shupe Family Reunion falls on the weekend of my birthday. It just does and I don't mind (get to see all my family on my dad's side, who could ask for more?). I couldn't go last year because I had work. I could't go the year before that because I was in Flagstaff and couldn't afford the drive. So needless to say I miss my extended family and really wanted to see them and I really thought I was this year. My plan for the day was to help Stephanie, my land lady, with moving a stove, refrigerator, and a microwave from Fillmore back to Duchesne, get back in time for Dylan and I to leave around 5 or 6 and get to Bear Lake around 8 or 9 at night. I was expecting to hear from Dylan around noon to see when he was going to get off exactly but I never heard from him until 6 pm so Stephanie had the idea, why not have someone come pick me up in Salt Lake? I didn't think it would be that much of a hassle so I proposed it to my dad and he told me Angela was already heading towards that way to pick up John so try to coordinate with her. She had already picked John up by the time I contacted her and we weren't even in Fillmore yet so long story short, it didn't happen and to be honest, it hurt my feelings. I'd like to think that if the roles were reversed, even if I had driven 14-15 hours, I would turn around and get one of my siblings. Especially if it was their birthday. But who knows how I would really react. All the day through though, my family had been wishing my a "Happy Birthday". I even got one from my cousin Corey. That night, when we finally got home, I looked on Facebook to see all the "Happy Birthday" wishes there but there were none. Not a single one. When Dylan got home he had a card, wooden flowers, and a movie for me. When I told him about the Facebook disappointment he reminded me that my family had wished me happy birthday. That was one of those moments when it kind of slaps you in the face. Like "Duh! Of course your family wanted to see you but things just didn't match up and that's no ones fault. These are the people that will always care about you and will take the time to call you and sing the 'Happy Birthday' song." So thank you family of mine for loving me the way that you do and thank you friends for not wishing me a happy birthday so I could appreciate my family more.

A time to wake and a time to sleep

If you couldn't tell by the title, I need to sleep more. I've been hanging out with my sister, Shannon, whom I love greatly but I am not in love with her sleeping habits or the eating habits that go along with it. I am currently in a competition in which I need to lose close to 40 lbs by the end of this summer. I'm going to do it because I could really use $2000 (who couldn't?!). And since dating Dylan I've achieved my heaviest weight so far. I want to make this the limit really. Even when I get pregnant I don't want to ever feel this way again. I took my blood pressure at a Kiosk in Wal-Mart and the computer told me I have great blood pressure which was a relief to me so I must be doing something right. Or I was at that moment at least.... So.... I finished my first year at Dixie State College of Utah in Saint George, Utah. I absolutely loved it. I don't know if it was due to the classes I was taking or if it's just he overall experience that the school has to offer but I really felt enlightened and like I wasn't wasting my time. I looked forward to learning what the courses had to offer me. Part of me thinks that I'm just at a stage in my life when I just want to finish school and do well in school so social events don't matter to me anymore. In that regard, I didn't really make any friends there which I take full responsibility. I became a recluse. This is the first time I'm "going off to college" on my own. In Flagstaff I had Amber to guide me and then I went back to Kingman where I had all my Kingman friends so yeah could probably improve my social skills and at least get out of my apartment. I have officially made a goal for the upcoming semester; I will attend at least one event that the college offers each month. Hopefully I will increase the radius of my comfort zone and attend more but for the time being, I will attend at least one event that the college offers each month. My one complaint about my experience at Dixie would have to be my apartment complex. True, I didn't do a whole lot of research before committing to the place so won't be doing that again. There was no real supervision at night and no one honored the "quiet time". If you told management about something then something ended up happening to you or your property. Craziest night would have to be the Friday before I moved out for the summer. I'm pretty sure the girl that lived above us was possessed. Or least acting like it. I'm pretty sure missionaries were called so it may have been legit. Either way, pretty crazy night. Which goes back to my original topic of needing to sleep more. I need to find a place that offers quiet and will let my family visit and stay with me, namely brothers, a dad, and a Dylan. I am truly looking forward to owning this weight loss competition and getting that $2000 for school or possibly a wedding dress :D I've started running 2 miles every morning. I haven't today because it is dreadfully hot outside. The wind is blowing so I think I'm going to go for it later. I also have some yard work to look forward to. Yard work=$$$ so can't complain too much. On a final note just want to say to whoever is reading this, if you are going through any kind of crisis and you feel like there is nothing you can do, remember that you are an intelligent being with an incredible brain and you are the programmer. I've learned that just by getting your heart rate up can do wonders for your physical, mental, and even emotional health. Take control of the things you can and let go of the things you can't. Whatever is afflicting you is conquerable and you have an unconquerable soul. You're stronger than you know and you probably have more support than you realize. Keep your head up and knock those problems out of the park!

School and Junk and Stuff

It's been a while so I'm just going to jump right into it all. I am now in St. George, Utah attending Dixie State College and I LOVE IT!!!! It's challenging and fun and fascinating and just wonderful :D I am studying to be a medical radiographer and should be done in about 3 years if everything goes according to plan. I am dating Dylan Vossler and we're talking marriage ( just a heads up). My family doesn't seem to like him but they don't know him like I do and I refuse to give up on him. I had my 21st birthday in July and I spent it working and hanging out with Shannon and Shayla. Dylan took me out to breakfast at Denny's and gave me a promise ring.

I am quite fond of it :) We're going to a Dethklok concert in November and that's when he's planning on proposing ( so much for the surprise). And for those of you wondering, he is not LDS but he doesn't hate the Church. It's hard for him to believe anything easily but I'm not giving up on him. I personally believe that I was meant to be in his life at the time that I was introduced to him to help in grow a little faith. A little is better than none and frankly it's no one's business. It's between him and Heavenly Father. I think what everyone needs to know is that he is a good, caring, honest, loving man and would never hurt me in any way. He is a hard worker and is very smart and enjoys learning new things about life. He has had a full life thus far and wants to include me in it. I love him and always will. As of today, I played racquetball and need to practice a lot more. I've been working out regularly and eating better. My family is doing a second weight loss competition and I plan on really competing this time. So here's to a better, healthier life :D!

A Time of Reflection

Today was one of those perfect Sundays. It didn't start out as anything spectacular (heck, I didn't even shower!) but I started a fast and was thinking about who I want to be and who I am right now. There's kind of a boy but the more I interact with him the less I want to do so. For starters, he doesn't open my door for me and I know from talking to my sister, Amber, that's enough to say, "Next!" We're just not on the same level. I really just want to focus on school and think about serving a mission. The answer I'm getting is "Not now, but keep it as an option." I have a firm testimony of The Book of Mormon but I would really like to have a better understanding of the other standard works. I'm reading the New Testament through for the first time. After that is The Book of Mormon again and then the Doctrine and Covenants. I'm a little surprised at how fast I'm getting through it. I'm in Romans right now and I love it! I think by the end of tonight I'll be finished and on to 1 Corinthians! Jennica Peck and I had an awesome heart to heart. We both know the Church of Jesus Christ is the true church and that everything about it is true and correct but sometimes people can drive us crazy! They just say things and sometimes you just want to ask them if they think before they speak. We just talked about mistakes we've made and experiences we've had that are somewhat regrettable but they've made us who we are. She has a boyfriend right now who is on a mission. He barely left so it's going to be a long wait but she loves him and I truly believe they can make it. She sent out a boy on a mission before and broke up with him so people are somewhat assuming that she's going to do the same thing with Mark. I won't divulge her personal life but I know that Anthony did not treat her with the respect she deserves and that's enough for me to break up with someone too. Whatever happens I know Jennica is not a shallow person and has enough respect for herself to do the hard thing, even if people around her may see her differently. I love her and always will. She also told me this amazing story that pretty much changed my life. There was this couple, the boy was going on a mission and the girl was going to BYU. I believe they were actually going to the MTC to send the man off but the car rolled and she died. They had talked and planned on getting married after his mission so the man asked the girl's mom if he could put a ring on her finger and put his last name on the tomb stone and mother allowed him to do so. The mother of the boy wrote to the prophet and explained the situation and asked if there was a way that they could be sealed. I don't know how the laws of heaven work but the prophet okayed it and the girl's mother stood in her place. The man is now married to someone else but she knows that she is his second wife. It sounds a little crazy and far-fetched but if it is true it just testifies to me that Heavenly Father believes in marriage and true love. I always knew that but it really struck me tonight. I want to love like that. Really want to be with someone eternally, not the fleeting, stupid crap. Sometimes I'll look at couples and wonder "What would happen if he became paralyzed?" or "What if she got Alzheimer's? Would they still make it? Would they stand by each other's side?" There's quite a few that I really don't know and there's a chance that I'm wrong about that, but with a few I feel like I know without a shadow of a doubt that they would do just about anything for that other person. I think we are selfish beings by nature so it's a miracle when someone feels that way about another human being. I want to be absolutely crazy about my husband!!! To be honest, I don't think I'm going to find him here in Kingman and that's quite alright because I know that when it's right and real, the "waiting" part won't seem like such a bother. It doesn't mean it will be easy and I'm sure I'll get impatient from time to time but I know I can get over it and I will. :-D

I'm trying but not as much as I should be

So it's been a while. I stopped blogging mostly because Sam and I started making out and I didn't think anyone really wanted to know about that (especially after finding out my dad has read some of my posts...) but for those of you who don't already know, Sam and I broke up about a month ago, possibly to the day. I don't really remember but anyways... he said his life has gotten too busy and it really has but part of me wonders if there were other reasons. And there probably are/were but that doesn't change the fact that it's over and there's nothing I can do about it. Now that I've kind of stepped back and looked it over I realize now that it was probably going to end sooner or later. I just read a post from Tegan's blog and some of the things she wrote about what a relationship needs just didn't really apply to Sam and I. I didn't feel comfortable around him and I didn't feel like I could ever really open up to him. At least not any time soon. As far as how I feel about it all... If I had to sum it up I would have to say " I'm glad it happened but I'm glad it's over now." I wasn't being honest with Sam or with myself. I think we did it all wrong and I'm pretty sure that's my fault. I may be a little old fashioned but I think being someone's girlfriend means you're thinking about really getting to know this person and has marriage potential. You should marry your best friend and that takes time so go out on dates, hang out, become friends and then see where it goes from there. My thought process is a committed relationship is saying " I'm trying to figure out if I want to marry you and you're doing a pretty good job so far." and then the proposal is saying " I've made up my mind, I want to seal the deal." I knew that's not what Sam was thinking from the very beginning and I think if I had the courage to say no I could have saved some heartache and regret. I think the biggest thing I'm afraid of now is what people think and say. I kind of disappeared after Thanksgiving so I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was hiding out and maybe I was. I'd never been through a break up before! I wanted to be with my family and I am so glad I was. I went to Phoenix/Avondale/Buckeye to help my sister Amber with her choir concert and while I was there I got to spend a lot of time with John, Angela, Emma, and Owen. John and Angela used to live in New Mexico so we didn't see them much so it was nice to spend some quality time with Emma and Owen and hopefully they realized how awesome I am. Owen seems to get it but Emma may need a little more convincing ;) Anywho... My brother Rob gave me an assignment to read two talks given by General Authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One was given General Conference by Dieter F. Uchtdorf "You Matter to Him" and one by Richard G. Scott "To Acquire Knowledge and the Strength to Use it Wisely" given during a devotional at BYU. I read them and was grateful for the opportunity to talk with my older brother about them and he gave me some "tough love". It may have been tough for him to say it but I am grateful that he did. I kind of lost my focus and even forgot some of the things that I used to be super passionate about. I want to travel and play racquetball and sign up for some awesome dance lessons. I want to do so many things but I fear I've become too comfortable being idle. I need to get some guts and earn some glory. I applied for a few jobs online today but I need to do the check up as well. I think I'm going to re-read those talks and remember what Rob told me. I haven't been living up to my potential and I want to repent. I did finish The Book of Mormon and I've shared my testimony twice now during Fast and Testimony meeting. The recent plan is to still get my CNA certificate and possibly get the rest of my requirements met for my Associates Degree and do the Online Diagnostic Imaging and Therapy program through NAU. Hopefully that means I can get back to Flagstaff and work full-time and do my class assignments when I have that spare time. Here's to a new dawn, a new day, a new life.

"I'm in Lesbians with you"

I'm just going to work backwards cause it helps me remember things. Today was my first pay day with Denny's. Yay monies!!! Work... it has it's ups and downs. Today wasn't a great day. It wasn't terrible either. I think I'm just tired today and I may be getting sick. I feel kind of hot right now and that's making me feel a little irritable. A coworker of mine asked if I was a lesbian today and kept going on about it. It was funny at the time but now I just feel annoyed by it all. I'm sure I'm overreacting but I'm a little worried that this coworker will tell people jokingly and then they'll assume things and I don't want to be seen as something I'm not. I feel like bad things could happen. I don't know. Let it be known that I am terrible at video games. I used to be able to get through games but now, it's a little embarrassing. Sam and I played TimeSplitters. I had fun, I'm just not very good and I let him know that. Sam's brother, Ben, was there for a little bit, but he left us to hang with his girlfriend, Amber. We kept playing for a while and then Sam's coworker and friend, Michael joined us. We mostly played in the arcade and did some of the challenges. With the challenges, it was mostly Sam and Michael. I tried twice but it was just bad. Just dreadful. Michael doesn't have the internet so he really wanted to browse through Youtube and show us a song called "You might be a Mormon". It's all silly but jolly good fun all the same. We ended up watching the Divine Comedy's Lord of the Engagement Ring Trilogy. Good, clean humor. I'd seen it before but it had been a while. It was getting late so Sam kicked Michael out. I don't remember how it happened but Sam ended up lying on the floor and was holding onto my leg, trying to get me to fall down. I ended up just sitting by Sam's head and he told me the history of his pillows. I also discovered that we both like orange juice and lemons. Something small but I really liked just talking with him. I actually didn't say much but it was nice all the same. I really like him :) As of this last Wednesday it's been two weeks. It's weird and crazy and fun. I'm trying not to worry about things so much. I've been stressed about work and about how things are going to work with Sam but I need to stop doing that. I should care and put effort into everything but I shouldn't let doubts and fears overwhelm me. If Denny's doesn't want me, it wouldn't be the most terrible thing ever. If Sam decided to dump me, it would hurt but I know that I could get over it with time and prayers. I know what I want out of my life and that's all I can really work on right now. Anyway! Sam's birthday was this last Monday. I built him a cake with the help of Alyse Cherry and Amy Munn. They are both awesome and fill my life with laughter. I have a picture that I'd like to post but I can't find the chord to do so maybe another day. He really liked the cake and I really liked making it for him. We held a little party at Hans's. There was dancing, hot dogs, love sacs, and Quelf. Oh how I love Quelf!!! My children will grow up with that game!

Sam met my family, well most of them in one setting. He worked for my dad, he met my mom when he helped with the piano moving project and again when I made him dinner. He met Shannon briefly at Papa John's and apparently she glared at him. I don't know. He knew Amber from when she lived in Kingman but other than that he'd never met anyone else. It was a bit soon, I think it had been a week and a half but most of my family was here so it seemed like an opportune moment. I wasn't really expecting him to come to the birthday party but he did. What a champ! Everyone had been asking me questions about him and in all honesty, I didn't really know. I knew he had a mine and I only knew that from a few days earlier. I knew that he grew up in Hawaii and served a mission in Oakland, California. I still don't know his favorite color or anything too specific. I know he likes country music. The Mesa Temple was his first temple to go through. He destroyed his face once while riding a bike, He's the middle child. He knows how to cook, he knows computer stuff, he's a hard worker, he doesn't want to go to college, his middle name is Sterling. Just little things but I love that kid. I think I kind of fell for him when he told me he was trying to impress me on our first date. I know I'm sounding crazy right now but your brain is on drugs when you're in love so I can blame it on that. I haven't said the "L" word to him but I can see myself being happy with him for the rest my life. Nothing is guaranteed though. I think now that we've started talking more it's getting worse. Or better, depending on how you see it. I'm just going to go with it. Be myself and have fun :)

"I Gotta Girlfriend."

If you haven't heard from Facebook yet, Sam and I are going out now :D! There's quite a bit that I haven't blogged about so be prepared for a long post :) Sam was sick for about a week and a half so I didn't see him at Institute on Wednesday but I was praying he'd get better, other than that not a whole lot going on. Friday, September 30th, Chelaine, Kara, Amber, Diane and myself went to St. George, Utah and viewed "The Little Mermaid" at the Tuacahn. It was wonderful. The Tuacahn is an outdoor theater and the stage actually had water running across it and they did an awesome job doing the transition and portraying being underwater vs. being on land or the surface of the water. The vocals weren't that bad either. Amber and I drove up together and she came back with me. I needed to come back because I had orientation with Denny's at 8 am the next morning. Amber has this pretty interesting book about the Chinese Zodiac so we read from that and ended up talking about "our men" for most of the drive. I am a metal sheep. Basically I complain a lot and can be quite deceitful if I want something done my way (according to this book). The book also said that an ox would be a bad match for me. Guess what Sam's Zodiac sign is? I'm not sure what element he is but he's an ox. Amber is a Fire Tiger, which is awesome because she's a red head and pretty darn sassy. Ben is a snake and again, the book suggests a tiger and a snake should should not hook up. I guess in a way it could be seen as somewhat of a Romeo and Juliet thing; the world says we shouldn't be together but we're going for it. General Conference was this same weekend. Unfortunately I missed the Saturday morning session because of the orientation but luckily technology is awesome so I can listen to it and take notes and all that fun stuff. I always love General Conference because I know that there is something in there just for me. The prophet and his counselors have prayed and studied, and prayed some more for the world and have been inspired to share a specific message. This General Conference was kind of different to me because it made me think of Conference in April. That session of General Conference prompted me to move back to Kingman, Arizona. I had no idea why and didn't expect life to work out so well for me. I didn't move back with the intent to get married. And I don't know if Sam and I will work out but I didn't expect to have a guy that I liked to like me back, it's never happened before. I didn't know where I would be working or if I would even find work. All of these things have increased my testimony of following the promptings of the spirit and going forward with faith. I watched to Sunday afternoon session of conference with Sam at his house, where he made me dinner. We still weren't official at this point but I figured this was a great opportunity to really let him know that I was interested in him. There was some cuddling and falling asleep and some giggles, a jolly good time. Mind you I was still nervous about everything. A few people have told me that it would be weird to see me with somebody so I guess subconsciously I thought it would be weird to see me with somebody too. Wednesday night was Institute, as usual. I felt a little nervous going in because there was a 50/50 chance that Sam would be there and he can give me butterflies in my stomach area. I got them right now just thinking about him and us. Anyway, I sit next to him and it seems to take us a while to get comfortable again with each other. I think it's my fault. I'm scared that I'll do something or say something that will make him change his mind. I really just need to get over it. I digress. We talked to each other throughout the lesson and at the end of the lesson Maddie was making an announcement concerning a new missionary effort and since fast Sunday was coming up, we should start thinking of someone now and fast in their behalf. While she was making that announcement, Sam nudges me and says "Hey, do you wanna be my girlfriend?" I smiled really big and said "Sure." He did kind of a pump down thing and said "Yessssss!" Right after that he was to say the closing prayer. I didn't hear one word of that prayer. I got a boyfriend!!! After the prayer, he started talking about chocolate and peanut butter. It seemed appropriate. A girl, Chelsea Birch, I think is a member but hasn't been able to really come to Institute or any other YSA activities so Sam asked me to be friendly so I introduced myself and got to know her a little bit. After that I went to put my scriptures in my car and Sam had to go to his uncle's house. I ended up with Sam's jacket because it was cold and windy. We ended up at Sam's truck because I was returning his straps he let us use to move our piano. That's when he went in for a kiss. It was windy so my hair was all up in my face! So we rotated so the wind was blowing my hair away from my face for the most part but some were still getting all up in my grill so Sam ends up having to embrace my face with his arms and hands and gives me a little peck. I'm walking on sunshine at this moment!!! I go back inside of the church to warm up and play whatever sport we decided on (volleyball). I have to tell someone that fantastic news. Amber Vargas had been rooting for us so while the ball is not by us a run over to her and just tell her I have a boyfriend so we giggle and she gives me a big ol' hug. I decided to let her tell Ben. We had planned on doing something outside on Tuesday but it had rained so I volunteered to make dinner Thursday night. It wasn't as smooth or anything as I would've liked but still pretty fun. I made fajitas and cut up some fresh pineapple and made a pumpkin roll. After dinner and desert we went downstairs and watched "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog." It's a pretty short movie so we watched some youtube videos. Some Homestar Runner videos and some Victor Borge. For some odd reason my car alarm went off so we went upstairs to check it out and then Sam had to take off because he doesn't do late nights. I'm a hugger so when I'm departing with a friend I give a hug first, it's just a habit of mine but I don't think Sam knows that so me not kissing him first may come off as me being stand-offish. I just don't really know what to do. I sent him a text after he left kind of explaining that and he was so sweet about it. Yesterday was the YSA co-ed camp out and I could tell that he wants more. Trust me, I wish I could give him just a little more but it's out of my comfort zone so just another thing I have to get over. It may be little awkward at first but I'm never going to learn if I don't try. This last week I've been training with Denny's. It is INTENSE!!! Overall I'm excited to start working but I don't think I've ever felt this overwhelmed before in my life. Now that's I'm thinking about it, I don't feel nearly as scared as I was before. It may be rough to first few weeks but if I'm not supposed to work here, the managers will know and will let me know. I was ready to quit today but I really should just give this a chance and it'll be for a few months and hopefully I will have everything figured out with MCC and be able to start in the spring and work towards a career. I don't know if they'll want me at Denny's part-time but if not then I'm going to have to look for other employment or just scrimp and save everything. Once I have my CNA certification I should find a job easy. We'll just see how everything goes. Here's to the future!