Curve Ball

So if you read my last post I said I'd be going to Mohave Community College and working as a CNA. That didn't work out. I don't think I'll be attending MCC at all. My true intent was to go to MCC this fall semester but they only have one person evaluating transcripts for three campuses! Huge oversight in my opinion. Anyway that didn't really fall through. I've been looking for a job and nothing has come through with that as well. I've been doing work around the house/yard for my mom which gets me some money. Not a lot but enough to get by. I know that I'm supposed to be here for some reason. I'm not quite sure what that reason is yet but I feel like it's something big and important. Like my time back in Kingman is going to affect the rest of my life. I've been reading The Book of Mormon again. It's been a while since I have so it's good to reread it and notice the things I didn't or have a better understanding of what the prophets are teaching. I finished "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" last night. Truly an inspiring book! My mom wants me to read a book called "Aspire". I think it's kind of along the same lines as 7 habits but focusing on the power of words. I have always thought that words are very powerful both for good and bad. Actions do speak louder than words but words still speak. Overall, I'm really excited about life and I'm going to start reading "Aspire" today. My brother Bob read it and he seemed excited so I can't wait to have my mind blown! My most recent adventure happened this morning. I went into the kitchen to make breakfast for myself and had a craving for pancakes with strawberry syrup. We had some frozen buttermilk pancakes but no strawberry syrup so... I decided to make some! We have frozen strawberries for smoothies and what not so I defrosted them and got creative. I have never made syrup in my life but the final product was pretty darn tasty! Not perfect but edible and tasty. I want to be better at doing this so I need to start living my life so I can write awesome things and share it with whoever wants to read this :)

It's been a while

Almost a year. Needless to say a lot of things have happened. I'm still single but I'm really okay with it. I need to figure out how I want to live my life and just do it and then if a guy wants to join me, he will.

I got a credit card and therefore I have some debt to pay off... But I am really close to getting it paid off and once I do I plan on going to Six Flags Magic Mountain with Brian Barker, Joshua Shupe, Josiah Sanchez, and probably Chelaine Hoffer and Kara Paul. But who knows, right?

I'm going back to Kingman August 1st, 2011 to be a CNA (certified nurse's assistant). It only takes a semester so I can start working full-time! I really want to get out of debt as far as student loans are concerned and if I can do it fairly quickly I may go on a mission but there's still time to plan for that.

I'm almost 20 (about 18 more days)! I'm not 100% sure what I'll be doing to celebrate but there will be pink lemonade in a teapot and Lake Mary. Even if I have to go myself, it's going to happen.

I'm currently living with Stephen and Sarah Padilla (Sarah used to be Sarah Robles). I still get to do my normal routine (work and then play) but I get to babysit her kids when she needs me to. They are wonderful! Andrew is 5, Barrett is 3, and Presley is almost 1 and has started walking a little bit.

I have found someone that I think I can tell everything to. I mean everything. There's a lot that I've told people about my past but there's still one big secret that no one knows, not even my mom or my younger brother or anyone I've called a best friend but I think I could tell him. I don't know if I will because it's not just something you bring up in a casual conversation. If he asks about it then I will but I'm not ready to just blurt it out.

This same friend has also gotten me addicted to Tumblr.com. It's kind of a problem.

I started reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. I'm only on the 1st habit but it truly is inspiring and I need to purchase it for myself, (I borrowed it from my old roommate

Being lost is an awfully great adventure.

Today was my first time on Flagstaff's urban trail. I lived here for a year and had heard how beautiful it was but never had taken the time to see it for myself. I really felt like I was in a completely different place. Like the sacred garden or my personal piece of heaven. Even when I saw others on the trail.

Due to my serious lack of responsibility I have been somewhat forced to move back to Flagstaff. At first I hated the idea but now I feel this is my official new chapter in my life. Thanks to the skills I've learned from Vector Marketing I know that I can still be a rock star anywhere I go. I will still sell when I can but I'm going to also try everything I've always been afraid to do. I don't want to be afraid of succeeding anymore. It's a silly thing to fear

Speaking of Vector Marketing; Amber and I started talking because there were a lot of things on my mind. Bryan being one of them. I think if I were to go back to kingman I would go trying to impress him. We were talking about what we want out of our significant other and I want someone who knows how weird I am, how odd my sense of humor is, someone who knows how I think and still likes me. I feel like I've already scared him. So that's that. He said he would come visit me but as soon as he said " I promise " I didn't expect him to ever come. I have some trust issues. Especially with boys I don't know very well.

I sent an application into the city of kingman office for a part time transit operator. We'll see what comes of it.

Remember me tonight, when you're asleep.

One more week until our vector marketing conference and 34 days until I turn 19. It's been five days since Grandpa Proctor's funeral and three days since Grandma and Grandpa Proctor's anniversary.
It just amazes me how I can have so many different thoughts about life and people in my life in just a short amount of time. Up until Monday night I thought I was practically in love with my manager but in just reading an article in the New Era can change how I look at him. Pretty much I "loved" him because he makes me happy. I enjoy talking with him (we have to call before and after every demo). He seemed to make me feel like I could really do anything but I feel like he's good at it cause he has to. I feel like we could be really good friends but I don't know if that's something he'd be interested in. I mean it's a summer job. Maybe that's how long our "relationship" will last.

I've come to the conclusion that I probably will not have some summer romance. Or any type of romance for a while. I need to guard my heart a little bit and try to make it a little stronger so it can fight a little better :)

I am not alone. I never have been. I don't know why I thought I was. It seemed easier to complain about it but I realize now that I really don't need to cause I am not the first one to feel bad for herself. To feel like she will never get a happily ever after or have her first kiss. I think once I realize that even if I don't get those things, I WILL BE OKAY! Life is short so I'm just going to have fun and do my best to be my best. Thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooo much Maddie and Tegan. I wasn't sure if coming home would be a good idea but I know this is what I needed. You two are the best.

Keep on the Sunny Side

So I am super excited about my job at Vector Marketing. Mind you, it's still not the easiest thing but I'm having fun and I like meeting new people and I truly am in love with cutco. I'm sure some of my friends still think I'm crazy for doing this but life is short so why not be crazy for a summer? I also get to spend a lot of time with Tegan Gibelyou and a new friend Maddie Peterson. These two ladies are just great and I love them dearly. All three of us were promoted(?) to Key Staff. Basically that means we're awesome. Things are still moving pretty slowly but I feel like that will change soon and if not, then I did my best and will keep at it cause I want to!

It's going to be a long half summer...

So I have recently started working with Vector Marketing selling Cutco Cutlery in good ol' Kingman Arizona. It's great that it's in Kingman because I know a lot of people/families but selling stuff is hard! Don't get me wrong it's something I'm excited about, especially the product and the opportunity to try something new and challenging but it is not so easy. And the fact that my manager is really cute and just a little older than me doesn't help. I'm a classic fool but I admit I'm learning faster. The goal is to just not even get attached. Anyway, I made the mistake of thinking I was a "favorite" to say the least but he's "far too busy and important" and I'm not planning on staying here for the entire summer.

Back to Cutco Cutlery.

I am going to stick it through. It would be easier to give up and take things personally but I want to prove to those who doubted and to myself that I can do this even though it's not easy. Especially because it's not easy. This is probably going to be the most educational summer of my life. At least that's what I imagine in me mind ;)

An Update

So I have made my final decision concerning my career and major. I am going to be a special education teacher. I can see myself really enjoying it and I will definitely have a job once I graduate.

Lately I've been feeling somewhat conflicted... I need to find a summer job and try to be more social. My friend Aerol is making a little movie over the summer and he's asked me to help. Last time I spent a summer with Aerol I had some serious emotional issues. I still have some emotional issues but more on that later. I want to see him but my best-est friend, James, doesn't want me to... I really want to stay here and try to get more comfortable if that's possible.

About the job; my boss, Pete, is sexist. I'm not saying that just because of this event. He's always been sexist. Since there are some issues with budgets and people sitting around Pete and Judy have decided to only let six people work this summer. Personally I wanted to try to find a new job anyway but I didn't think I would be forced to in order to survive. Amber's pretty ticked off so I hear about it a lot. I'll try to let you know how it turns out.

My emotional issues; I've always had a hard time with self esteem but I'm now realizing that I am scared of people. In first grade I was forced into a tree by two boys I had hung out with almost an entire year. I really don't know why they did it but I don't think I want to know. It seems kind of stupid now but when you're only in first grade and think everything is okay and then the next thing you know your "friends" are throwing rocks at you and when you try to run away they grab you and try to tear you down. In third grade my own sister forced me to kiss a boy that I had no intention of kissing. I tried to hide but they found me and wouldn't let me go until I did it. I've never felt so disgusting in my life. In fifth grade the same sister would come home and ask if she could pee on my grave when I died. I won't tell every story but I feel like I have been abused and neglected to I run and I hide from everyone because I am afraid and I HATE it.

I have built a wall around me and I wait to see who will climb over to "save" me. I wait and just hope that they won't be like everyone else. This last Friday I asked someone not to give up on me. I never thought I would ask that but I see it as improvement. I want him to hang around but it's not fair to force him. He said he wouldn't give up on me if I didn't give up on me so this is me not giving up.