Shedding Some Light

The first thing I want to publish is that I LOVE THE SCRIPTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Each time I read them with the intent of coming to learn more about my Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, I do learn more about Them. Some of my more recent findings were about how cool and extremely helpful the Spirit is. In Romans 8:26-28 we learn that the Spirit helps us in our infirmities, even communicating in our behalf when we don't know what to pray about. This scripture shed some light on what promptings really are: help with infirmities. I cross referenced that to Mosiah 4:5-11. Here we learn what attributes the Spirit can help us accumulate and the blessing of becoming a saint are found in verse 12. We will always be full of joy and have no desire to injure one another but to be helpful and bring joy into other people's lives. And if that weren't great enough, in Alma 5:59-60, the Lord promises to destroy any ravenous wolves who endanger his flock. Sign me up for that team! All of this reading came from this week's lesson in the Atonement, Forgiveness, and Repentance class I'm taking. This week was Reconciliation-Bringing a change of heart. The Spirit of the Lord is able to awaken our senses to our guilt and guide us to do the right thing. Even confessing to a Bishop. I have been meeting with my Bishop since the beginning of this year and to be honest there were two particular things that I thought I had overcome so I didn't mention them but come to find out that I had not overcome them. I messed up but knew better this time to tell my Bishop about both things and now, well I don't dare say I'm cured but by bringing those things to light, I have broken my oath with Satan and am trying to make my way back into the Light of Christ. I have been approved to partake of the sacrament again. I now have a calling in my ward. The blessings have been pouring out in other areas of my life as well and I want others to enjoy their own blessings. I testify that God loves His children. I know that He is the perfect Parent and wants nothing more than for the chance to bless us for our obedience to the laws that made him God. He wants us to succeed in every way imaginable so he will let us stumble, fall, and go through terrible trials because parents do that for their kids. If parents could take away all the heartache their children suffer, I have no doubt that they would but parents need to let their kids get hurt sometimes. That is how compassion is developed. That is how good people are made. By the choices they make during those terrible times. I know that God is no different. He is ready with open arms and so is His Son, Jesus Christ. If you don't believe me, try counting how many times the phrase "but my arms are stretched out still" appear in the Old Testament. I leave this as my witness in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Who you really are

I am taking a New Testament Institute class and on Monday, my inspired teacher showed us the spirit of Satan. Sounds different, right? It was but it was so... insightful. It is very common for people to think negatively about oneself and even others. Each time you catch yourself thinking in either way. Be very careful about the road you are on. Satan knew God's plan for us. He knew the gospel of Jesus Christ. He just didn't think we could be trusted with the responsibility to choose. He saw us nothing more than stupid cattle. He had no faith in our abilities. He saw no potential in us. Sound familiar at all? So! I really encourage you to remember that you chose the wiser plan. Heavenly Father knew you could handle the responsibility to choose Him. He knew you could do it so give yourself some credit and then remember that everyone around you made that same decision so love them and root for them too.

A little perspective for ya

So.... I just had my 22nd birthday about a week and a half ago. It was not the worst birthday but it wasn't the best either. If anything I gained a new perspective on what is most important and that is the perfect gift for me. So the story goes like this: Every year the Shupe Family Reunion falls on the weekend of my birthday. It just does and I don't mind (get to see all my family on my dad's side, who could ask for more?). I couldn't go last year because I had work. I could't go the year before that because I was in Flagstaff and couldn't afford the drive. So needless to say I miss my extended family and really wanted to see them and I really thought I was this year. My plan for the day was to help Stephanie, my land lady, with moving a stove, refrigerator, and a microwave from Fillmore back to Duchesne, get back in time for Dylan and I to leave around 5 or 6 and get to Bear Lake around 8 or 9 at night. I was expecting to hear from Dylan around noon to see when he was going to get off exactly but I never heard from him until 6 pm so Stephanie had the idea, why not have someone come pick me up in Salt Lake? I didn't think it would be that much of a hassle so I proposed it to my dad and he told me Angela was already heading towards that way to pick up John so try to coordinate with her. She had already picked John up by the time I contacted her and we weren't even in Fillmore yet so long story short, it didn't happen and to be honest, it hurt my feelings. I'd like to think that if the roles were reversed, even if I had driven 14-15 hours, I would turn around and get one of my siblings. Especially if it was their birthday. But who knows how I would really react. All the day through though, my family had been wishing my a "Happy Birthday". I even got one from my cousin Corey. That night, when we finally got home, I looked on Facebook to see all the "Happy Birthday" wishes there but there were none. Not a single one. When Dylan got home he had a card, wooden flowers, and a movie for me. When I told him about the Facebook disappointment he reminded me that my family had wished me happy birthday. That was one of those moments when it kind of slaps you in the face. Like "Duh! Of course your family wanted to see you but things just didn't match up and that's no ones fault. These are the people that will always care about you and will take the time to call you and sing the 'Happy Birthday' song." So thank you family of mine for loving me the way that you do and thank you friends for not wishing me a happy birthday so I could appreciate my family more.

A time to wake and a time to sleep

If you couldn't tell by the title, I need to sleep more. I've been hanging out with my sister, Shannon, whom I love greatly but I am not in love with her sleeping habits or the eating habits that go along with it. I am currently in a competition in which I need to lose close to 40 lbs by the end of this summer. I'm going to do it because I could really use $2000 (who couldn't?!). And since dating Dylan I've achieved my heaviest weight so far. I want to make this the limit really. Even when I get pregnant I don't want to ever feel this way again. I took my blood pressure at a Kiosk in Wal-Mart and the computer told me I have great blood pressure which was a relief to me so I must be doing something right. Or I was at that moment at least.... So.... I finished my first year at Dixie State College of Utah in Saint George, Utah. I absolutely loved it. I don't know if it was due to the classes I was taking or if it's just he overall experience that the school has to offer but I really felt enlightened and like I wasn't wasting my time. I looked forward to learning what the courses had to offer me. Part of me thinks that I'm just at a stage in my life when I just want to finish school and do well in school so social events don't matter to me anymore. In that regard, I didn't really make any friends there which I take full responsibility. I became a recluse. This is the first time I'm "going off to college" on my own. In Flagstaff I had Amber to guide me and then I went back to Kingman where I had all my Kingman friends so yeah could probably improve my social skills and at least get out of my apartment. I have officially made a goal for the upcoming semester; I will attend at least one event that the college offers each month. Hopefully I will increase the radius of my comfort zone and attend more but for the time being, I will attend at least one event that the college offers each month. My one complaint about my experience at Dixie would have to be my apartment complex. True, I didn't do a whole lot of research before committing to the place so won't be doing that again. There was no real supervision at night and no one honored the "quiet time". If you told management about something then something ended up happening to you or your property. Craziest night would have to be the Friday before I moved out for the summer. I'm pretty sure the girl that lived above us was possessed. Or least acting like it. I'm pretty sure missionaries were called so it may have been legit. Either way, pretty crazy night. Which goes back to my original topic of needing to sleep more. I need to find a place that offers quiet and will let my family visit and stay with me, namely brothers, a dad, and a Dylan. I am truly looking forward to owning this weight loss competition and getting that $2000 for school or possibly a wedding dress :D I've started running 2 miles every morning. I haven't today because it is dreadfully hot outside. The wind is blowing so I think I'm going to go for it later. I also have some yard work to look forward to. Yard work=$$$ so can't complain too much. On a final note just want to say to whoever is reading this, if you are going through any kind of crisis and you feel like there is nothing you can do, remember that you are an intelligent being with an incredible brain and you are the programmer. I've learned that just by getting your heart rate up can do wonders for your physical, mental, and even emotional health. Take control of the things you can and let go of the things you can't. Whatever is afflicting you is conquerable and you have an unconquerable soul. You're stronger than you know and you probably have more support than you realize. Keep your head up and knock those problems out of the park!

School and Junk and Stuff

It's been a while so I'm just going to jump right into it all. I am now in St. George, Utah attending Dixie State College and I LOVE IT!!!! It's challenging and fun and fascinating and just wonderful :D I am studying to be a medical radiographer and should be done in about 3 years if everything goes according to plan. I am dating Dylan Vossler and we're talking marriage ( just a heads up). My family doesn't seem to like him but they don't know him like I do and I refuse to give up on him. I had my 21st birthday in July and I spent it working and hanging out with Shannon and Shayla. Dylan took me out to breakfast at Denny's and gave me a promise ring.

I am quite fond of it :) We're going to a Dethklok concert in November and that's when he's planning on proposing ( so much for the surprise). And for those of you wondering, he is not LDS but he doesn't hate the Church. It's hard for him to believe anything easily but I'm not giving up on him. I personally believe that I was meant to be in his life at the time that I was introduced to him to help in grow a little faith. A little is better than none and frankly it's no one's business. It's between him and Heavenly Father. I think what everyone needs to know is that he is a good, caring, honest, loving man and would never hurt me in any way. He is a hard worker and is very smart and enjoys learning new things about life. He has had a full life thus far and wants to include me in it. I love him and always will. As of today, I played racquetball and need to practice a lot more. I've been working out regularly and eating better. My family is doing a second weight loss competition and I plan on really competing this time. So here's to a better, healthier life :D!

A Time of Reflection

Today was one of those perfect Sundays. It didn't start out as anything spectacular (heck, I didn't even shower!) but I started a fast and was thinking about who I want to be and who I am right now. There's kind of a boy but the more I interact with him the less I want to do so. For starters, he doesn't open my door for me and I know from talking to my sister, Amber, that's enough to say, "Next!" We're just not on the same level. I really just want to focus on school and think about serving a mission. The answer I'm getting is "Not now, but keep it as an option." I have a firm testimony of The Book of Mormon but I would really like to have a better understanding of the other standard works. I'm reading the New Testament through for the first time. After that is The Book of Mormon again and then the Doctrine and Covenants. I'm a little surprised at how fast I'm getting through it. I'm in Romans right now and I love it! I think by the end of tonight I'll be finished and on to 1 Corinthians! Jennica Peck and I had an awesome heart to heart. We both know the Church of Jesus Christ is the true church and that everything about it is true and correct but sometimes people can drive us crazy! They just say things and sometimes you just want to ask them if they think before they speak. We just talked about mistakes we've made and experiences we've had that are somewhat regrettable but they've made us who we are. She has a boyfriend right now who is on a mission. He barely left so it's going to be a long wait but she loves him and I truly believe they can make it. She sent out a boy on a mission before and broke up with him so people are somewhat assuming that she's going to do the same thing with Mark. I won't divulge her personal life but I know that Anthony did not treat her with the respect she deserves and that's enough for me to break up with someone too. Whatever happens I know Jennica is not a shallow person and has enough respect for herself to do the hard thing, even if people around her may see her differently. I love her and always will. She also told me this amazing story that pretty much changed my life. There was this couple, the boy was going on a mission and the girl was going to BYU. I believe they were actually going to the MTC to send the man off but the car rolled and she died. They had talked and planned on getting married after his mission so the man asked the girl's mom if he could put a ring on her finger and put his last name on the tomb stone and mother allowed him to do so. The mother of the boy wrote to the prophet and explained the situation and asked if there was a way that they could be sealed. I don't know how the laws of heaven work but the prophet okayed it and the girl's mother stood in her place. The man is now married to someone else but she knows that she is his second wife. It sounds a little crazy and far-fetched but if it is true it just testifies to me that Heavenly Father believes in marriage and true love. I always knew that but it really struck me tonight. I want to love like that. Really want to be with someone eternally, not the fleeting, stupid crap. Sometimes I'll look at couples and wonder "What would happen if he became paralyzed?" or "What if she got Alzheimer's? Would they still make it? Would they stand by each other's side?" There's quite a few that I really don't know and there's a chance that I'm wrong about that, but with a few I feel like I know without a shadow of a doubt that they would do just about anything for that other person. I think we are selfish beings by nature so it's a miracle when someone feels that way about another human being. I want to be absolutely crazy about my husband!!! To be honest, I don't think I'm going to find him here in Kingman and that's quite alright because I know that when it's right and real, the "waiting" part won't seem like such a bother. It doesn't mean it will be easy and I'm sure I'll get impatient from time to time but I know I can get over it and I will. :-D

I'm trying but not as much as I should be

So it's been a while. I stopped blogging mostly because Sam and I started making out and I didn't think anyone really wanted to know about that (especially after finding out my dad has read some of my posts...) but for those of you who don't already know, Sam and I broke up about a month ago, possibly to the day. I don't really remember but anyways... he said his life has gotten too busy and it really has but part of me wonders if there were other reasons. And there probably are/were but that doesn't change the fact that it's over and there's nothing I can do about it. Now that I've kind of stepped back and looked it over I realize now that it was probably going to end sooner or later. I just read a post from Tegan's blog and some of the things she wrote about what a relationship needs just didn't really apply to Sam and I. I didn't feel comfortable around him and I didn't feel like I could ever really open up to him. At least not any time soon. As far as how I feel about it all... If I had to sum it up I would have to say " I'm glad it happened but I'm glad it's over now." I wasn't being honest with Sam or with myself. I think we did it all wrong and I'm pretty sure that's my fault. I may be a little old fashioned but I think being someone's girlfriend means you're thinking about really getting to know this person and has marriage potential. You should marry your best friend and that takes time so go out on dates, hang out, become friends and then see where it goes from there. My thought process is a committed relationship is saying " I'm trying to figure out if I want to marry you and you're doing a pretty good job so far." and then the proposal is saying " I've made up my mind, I want to seal the deal." I knew that's not what Sam was thinking from the very beginning and I think if I had the courage to say no I could have saved some heartache and regret. I think the biggest thing I'm afraid of now is what people think and say. I kind of disappeared after Thanksgiving so I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was hiding out and maybe I was. I'd never been through a break up before! I wanted to be with my family and I am so glad I was. I went to Phoenix/Avondale/Buckeye to help my sister Amber with her choir concert and while I was there I got to spend a lot of time with John, Angela, Emma, and Owen. John and Angela used to live in New Mexico so we didn't see them much so it was nice to spend some quality time with Emma and Owen and hopefully they realized how awesome I am. Owen seems to get it but Emma may need a little more convincing ;) Anywho... My brother Rob gave me an assignment to read two talks given by General Authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One was given General Conference by Dieter F. Uchtdorf "You Matter to Him" and one by Richard G. Scott "To Acquire Knowledge and the Strength to Use it Wisely" given during a devotional at BYU. I read them and was grateful for the opportunity to talk with my older brother about them and he gave me some "tough love". It may have been tough for him to say it but I am grateful that he did. I kind of lost my focus and even forgot some of the things that I used to be super passionate about. I want to travel and play racquetball and sign up for some awesome dance lessons. I want to do so many things but I fear I've become too comfortable being idle. I need to get some guts and earn some glory. I applied for a few jobs online today but I need to do the check up as well. I think I'm going to re-read those talks and remember what Rob told me. I haven't been living up to my potential and I want to repent. I did finish The Book of Mormon and I've shared my testimony twice now during Fast and Testimony meeting. The recent plan is to still get my CNA certificate and possibly get the rest of my requirements met for my Associates Degree and do the Online Diagnostic Imaging and Therapy program through NAU. Hopefully that means I can get back to Flagstaff and work full-time and do my class assignments when I have that spare time. Here's to a new dawn, a new day, a new life.

"I'm in Lesbians with you"

I'm just going to work backwards cause it helps me remember things. Today was my first pay day with Denny's. Yay monies!!! Work... it has it's ups and downs. Today wasn't a great day. It wasn't terrible either. I think I'm just tired today and I may be getting sick. I feel kind of hot right now and that's making me feel a little irritable. A coworker of mine asked if I was a lesbian today and kept going on about it. It was funny at the time but now I just feel annoyed by it all. I'm sure I'm overreacting but I'm a little worried that this coworker will tell people jokingly and then they'll assume things and I don't want to be seen as something I'm not. I feel like bad things could happen. I don't know. Let it be known that I am terrible at video games. I used to be able to get through games but now, it's a little embarrassing. Sam and I played TimeSplitters. I had fun, I'm just not very good and I let him know that. Sam's brother, Ben, was there for a little bit, but he left us to hang with his girlfriend, Amber. We kept playing for a while and then Sam's coworker and friend, Michael joined us. We mostly played in the arcade and did some of the challenges. With the challenges, it was mostly Sam and Michael. I tried twice but it was just bad. Just dreadful. Michael doesn't have the internet so he really wanted to browse through Youtube and show us a song called "You might be a Mormon". It's all silly but jolly good fun all the same. We ended up watching the Divine Comedy's Lord of the Engagement Ring Trilogy. Good, clean humor. I'd seen it before but it had been a while. It was getting late so Sam kicked Michael out. I don't remember how it happened but Sam ended up lying on the floor and was holding onto my leg, trying to get me to fall down. I ended up just sitting by Sam's head and he told me the history of his pillows. I also discovered that we both like orange juice and lemons. Something small but I really liked just talking with him. I actually didn't say much but it was nice all the same. I really like him :) As of this last Wednesday it's been two weeks. It's weird and crazy and fun. I'm trying not to worry about things so much. I've been stressed about work and about how things are going to work with Sam but I need to stop doing that. I should care and put effort into everything but I shouldn't let doubts and fears overwhelm me. If Denny's doesn't want me, it wouldn't be the most terrible thing ever. If Sam decided to dump me, it would hurt but I know that I could get over it with time and prayers. I know what I want out of my life and that's all I can really work on right now. Anyway! Sam's birthday was this last Monday. I built him a cake with the help of Alyse Cherry and Amy Munn. They are both awesome and fill my life with laughter. I have a picture that I'd like to post but I can't find the chord to do so maybe another day. He really liked the cake and I really liked making it for him. We held a little party at Hans's. There was dancing, hot dogs, love sacs, and Quelf. Oh how I love Quelf!!! My children will grow up with that game!

Sam met my family, well most of them in one setting. He worked for my dad, he met my mom when he helped with the piano moving project and again when I made him dinner. He met Shannon briefly at Papa John's and apparently she glared at him. I don't know. He knew Amber from when she lived in Kingman but other than that he'd never met anyone else. It was a bit soon, I think it had been a week and a half but most of my family was here so it seemed like an opportune moment. I wasn't really expecting him to come to the birthday party but he did. What a champ! Everyone had been asking me questions about him and in all honesty, I didn't really know. I knew he had a mine and I only knew that from a few days earlier. I knew that he grew up in Hawaii and served a mission in Oakland, California. I still don't know his favorite color or anything too specific. I know he likes country music. The Mesa Temple was his first temple to go through. He destroyed his face once while riding a bike, He's the middle child. He knows how to cook, he knows computer stuff, he's a hard worker, he doesn't want to go to college, his middle name is Sterling. Just little things but I love that kid. I think I kind of fell for him when he told me he was trying to impress me on our first date. I know I'm sounding crazy right now but your brain is on drugs when you're in love so I can blame it on that. I haven't said the "L" word to him but I can see myself being happy with him for the rest my life. Nothing is guaranteed though. I think now that we've started talking more it's getting worse. Or better, depending on how you see it. I'm just going to go with it. Be myself and have fun :)

"I Gotta Girlfriend."

If you haven't heard from Facebook yet, Sam and I are going out now :D! There's quite a bit that I haven't blogged about so be prepared for a long post :) Sam was sick for about a week and a half so I didn't see him at Institute on Wednesday but I was praying he'd get better, other than that not a whole lot going on. Friday, September 30th, Chelaine, Kara, Amber, Diane and myself went to St. George, Utah and viewed "The Little Mermaid" at the Tuacahn. It was wonderful. The Tuacahn is an outdoor theater and the stage actually had water running across it and they did an awesome job doing the transition and portraying being underwater vs. being on land or the surface of the water. The vocals weren't that bad either. Amber and I drove up together and she came back with me. I needed to come back because I had orientation with Denny's at 8 am the next morning. Amber has this pretty interesting book about the Chinese Zodiac so we read from that and ended up talking about "our men" for most of the drive. I am a metal sheep. Basically I complain a lot and can be quite deceitful if I want something done my way (according to this book). The book also said that an ox would be a bad match for me. Guess what Sam's Zodiac sign is? I'm not sure what element he is but he's an ox. Amber is a Fire Tiger, which is awesome because she's a red head and pretty darn sassy. Ben is a snake and again, the book suggests a tiger and a snake should should not hook up. I guess in a way it could be seen as somewhat of a Romeo and Juliet thing; the world says we shouldn't be together but we're going for it. General Conference was this same weekend. Unfortunately I missed the Saturday morning session because of the orientation but luckily technology is awesome so I can listen to it and take notes and all that fun stuff. I always love General Conference because I know that there is something in there just for me. The prophet and his counselors have prayed and studied, and prayed some more for the world and have been inspired to share a specific message. This General Conference was kind of different to me because it made me think of Conference in April. That session of General Conference prompted me to move back to Kingman, Arizona. I had no idea why and didn't expect life to work out so well for me. I didn't move back with the intent to get married. And I don't know if Sam and I will work out but I didn't expect to have a guy that I liked to like me back, it's never happened before. I didn't know where I would be working or if I would even find work. All of these things have increased my testimony of following the promptings of the spirit and going forward with faith. I watched to Sunday afternoon session of conference with Sam at his house, where he made me dinner. We still weren't official at this point but I figured this was a great opportunity to really let him know that I was interested in him. There was some cuddling and falling asleep and some giggles, a jolly good time. Mind you I was still nervous about everything. A few people have told me that it would be weird to see me with somebody so I guess subconsciously I thought it would be weird to see me with somebody too. Wednesday night was Institute, as usual. I felt a little nervous going in because there was a 50/50 chance that Sam would be there and he can give me butterflies in my stomach area. I got them right now just thinking about him and us. Anyway, I sit next to him and it seems to take us a while to get comfortable again with each other. I think it's my fault. I'm scared that I'll do something or say something that will make him change his mind. I really just need to get over it. I digress. We talked to each other throughout the lesson and at the end of the lesson Maddie was making an announcement concerning a new missionary effort and since fast Sunday was coming up, we should start thinking of someone now and fast in their behalf. While she was making that announcement, Sam nudges me and says "Hey, do you wanna be my girlfriend?" I smiled really big and said "Sure." He did kind of a pump down thing and said "Yessssss!" Right after that he was to say the closing prayer. I didn't hear one word of that prayer. I got a boyfriend!!! After the prayer, he started talking about chocolate and peanut butter. It seemed appropriate. A girl, Chelsea Birch, I think is a member but hasn't been able to really come to Institute or any other YSA activities so Sam asked me to be friendly so I introduced myself and got to know her a little bit. After that I went to put my scriptures in my car and Sam had to go to his uncle's house. I ended up with Sam's jacket because it was cold and windy. We ended up at Sam's truck because I was returning his straps he let us use to move our piano. That's when he went in for a kiss. It was windy so my hair was all up in my face! So we rotated so the wind was blowing my hair away from my face for the most part but some were still getting all up in my grill so Sam ends up having to embrace my face with his arms and hands and gives me a little peck. I'm walking on sunshine at this moment!!! I go back inside of the church to warm up and play whatever sport we decided on (volleyball). I have to tell someone that fantastic news. Amber Vargas had been rooting for us so while the ball is not by us a run over to her and just tell her I have a boyfriend so we giggle and she gives me a big ol' hug. I decided to let her tell Ben. We had planned on doing something outside on Tuesday but it had rained so I volunteered to make dinner Thursday night. It wasn't as smooth or anything as I would've liked but still pretty fun. I made fajitas and cut up some fresh pineapple and made a pumpkin roll. After dinner and desert we went downstairs and watched "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog." It's a pretty short movie so we watched some youtube videos. Some Homestar Runner videos and some Victor Borge. For some odd reason my car alarm went off so we went upstairs to check it out and then Sam had to take off because he doesn't do late nights. I'm a hugger so when I'm departing with a friend I give a hug first, it's just a habit of mine but I don't think Sam knows that so me not kissing him first may come off as me being stand-offish. I just don't really know what to do. I sent him a text after he left kind of explaining that and he was so sweet about it. Yesterday was the YSA co-ed camp out and I could tell that he wants more. Trust me, I wish I could give him just a little more but it's out of my comfort zone so just another thing I have to get over. It may be little awkward at first but I'm never going to learn if I don't try. This last week I've been training with Denny's. It is INTENSE!!! Overall I'm excited to start working but I don't think I've ever felt this overwhelmed before in my life. Now that's I'm thinking about it, I don't feel nearly as scared as I was before. It may be rough to first few weeks but if I'm not supposed to work here, the managers will know and will let me know. I was ready to quit today but I really should just give this a chance and it'll be for a few months and hopefully I will have everything figured out with MCC and be able to start in the spring and work towards a career. I don't know if they'll want me at Denny's part-time but if not then I'm going to have to look for other employment or just scrimp and save everything. Once I have my CNA certification I should find a job easy. We'll just see how everything goes. Here's to the future!

Uh Oh...

So... My phone is officially dead to me. It refuses to turn on so my solution for that was to purchase an Ipod touch (8 GB). My number for that is 928-693-7323. I also purchased two journals since General Conference is coming up and my own personal journal is getting close to being full. This Friday Chelaine Hoffer, Diane Cramer, Kara Paul, Amber Vargas, and I will be going to St. George to see "The Little Mermaid" at the Tuacahn. Needless to say I am excited. I will be driving back to Kingman that night because I have orientation at Denny's the next day at 8 am! I feel like things are finally just working themselves out. I'm finally going to be working and kind of living the life I want to be living. In all honesty I didn't expect to be back in Kingman long term but I guess it just worked out that way. I am going to attend Mohave Community College in the spring and work on becoming a nurse. I'm pretty sure there will be bumpy times ahead but that's a part of life and that's how we grow. The YSA here had a little boating trip this last Saturday. It was a jolly good time. I tried wake-boarding (basically snowboarding on the water). I tried last year which ended in a lot of sore muscles but I got a lot closer to standing up this time. I hurt a little bit but I can still function. Woopa! No big update with Sam. He was sick on the lake trip and didn't go to church the next day so I made him some cream of chicken soup. I feel like I haven't been letting on how much I like him very well. I'm treading unknown waters here. I've made a lot of the same mistakes with guys before and I don't want to make them again with him. He's a wonderful man and I don't want to scare him away. It's still too soon to tell anything but I want things to work out for the best.

Date #2

I got a text from Sam around 5:30 asking if I wanted to sing with him at Amber Vargas's house. I asked him when so he called me. My phone has been acting up for quite some time now so when he called it immediately turned off. I went to my room to charge it and see it Sam had left a voice mail. He had. I gave him some crap cause he took me to a movie for the first date. It's just not the best idea. Yeah, I'm a huge fan of movies but if I'm supposed to try to be getting to know you then it's not the best environment to do so. We did end up talking through the entire thing so it wasn't bad but he defended his choice a little in the message. I called him back and basically just set up the time for the shindig and gave an okay to order pizza. I said 7:00 so I show up at Amber's at 7:00. Turns out the boys were purchasing the game and getting the pizzas for us right around that time so Amber and I dish a little bit and listen to Kesha's "Cannibal" and "Grow a Pear". Both were really fun and now I want to get the whole album. They show up around 7:30ish and we start eating and talking. There was a Young Single Adult "get to know you" activity that night. Turns out only four people went but our defense YSA activities are supposed to get people out on dates, we were just a step ahead of those four. I know Brian and Maddie had a volleyball thing and when we left Amber's we saw Han's truck at Diane's place so I think everyone was just a little busy. We start playing the game (Disney's Sing it) and Amber and Ben are beating us every time! It didn't help that Sam was making me laugh every time I had to sing. Sam was pretty tired even before they came over so he was a trooper all the way. It started getting bad right around 9:30 so at 10:00 we decided to call it quits. I don't know about Ben and Amber but I was getting kind of sleepy too. I told Sam I'd walk him out to his car but my car was across the street so he walked me to mine and I think he wanted a kiss. I've never really kissed a guy before and I still don't know a whole lot about him so I'm not ready to do that quite yet. I want to explain this to him but I don't want it to be awkward if that's not what he wanted. He wants to go shooting and there's a boating trip Saturday. I don't know what'll happen at either event but I've been thinking about it and I sincerely like Sam. Like I said, I don't know a whole lot about him and he doesn't know a whole lot about me so I don't want to get too physical or anything (he put his arm around me and I laid up against him) but I do like him so there's potential. '

I Feel My Savior's Love

Well.... I did go painting with Sam, Ben, and Amber which was a blast. We never actually got to the painting bit but we picked out the portrait we want to try to reproduce. The reason we did not get to painting was because we ended up going to Safeway to pick up some ingredients needed for calzones. We made said calzones and watched "Inception" (always a classic). I carpooled with Amber so we ended up staying pretty late. Her and Ben had been getting pretty close so I felt bad about getting tired but I need my sleep! Turns out the next day Ben officially asked Amber to go out with him so they are together now :D All in all, jolly good fun :) In other news, I went on a date with Sam Gale! I've been on a date before but they were all with guys who were gay or were just good friends. This was my first date with someone who actually likes me. I know that he likes me from other sources such as my dad and he kind of made it obvious a few times before. There is a 5 year age gap but age is just the number of years you've been around. Nothing more. Anyway, I'm just going to go into all of the details on here because I can :) After the "painting" night I hadn't really talked to Amber, Sam, or Ben. Sam did save me a seat during Institute but other than that, nothing. It was really fun and I don't think I ever said thank you. Sunday was Stake Conference so I didn't get a chance to say thanks for all the fun times so I texted him late Sunday night. The next morning I have a message from him that reads " I think I may still owe you painting but I'm thinking a movie will have to do in the mean time." How smooth was that?! I just said "That'd be great!" He then said "I'll pick you up at 7. I expect flowers. JK" As soon as I read the JK I thought he was kidding about the whole thing. Later in the day he calls me and leaves a voice message singing about going to a movie. I couldn't understand it very well but I called him back and we went to "Contagion" at 7:25. He did pick me up at 7 and I gave him a flower made from duct tape. I even sprayed it so it wouldn't smell like duct tape. As he opened the door for me he let me know that he was trying to impress me. I let him know that it was working. We ended up talking through the entire movie. The theater was pretty empty but there was a man sitting in the row in front of us, slightly to the right. He didn't yell or anything but we could tell he wasn't happy because he promptly took off as soon as the credits started. Oops. Richard G. Scott said that going to a movie on the first date is just stupid. I didn't think it was stupid cause we ended up talking to each other throughout but I don't think I couldn't/would've done that with just anyone. I was a little nervous at first (and I'm a little nervous now cause he wants to sing tonight) but as soon as we starting going it all just felt natural. I've never gotten to this point with anyone before so I'm a little out of my league here but I know that I just need to have fun and let the dice fall where they will. Wish me luck! I went on a hike with Shadow today. I went to one of the places I remember first gaining a testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I went to camp Levi-Levi, where the Kingman, Arizona stake holds there girl's camp every year. I believe I was 13 about to enter high school and the year before my friend Mishaunna Bowling had died in a car accident. I'd thought about her often that year but was excited about starting high school at this time. It was the Thursday before all of us girls would go back home. That's the night we have a testimony meeting with our wards and then with all of the girls together. I don't remember if I bore my testimony or not but the closing song was " I Am a Child of God" and that's the first time I remember feeling a huge outpouring of the spirit. I went back there today because last night Brother Alleman taught a great lesson about the temple and I can't really afford to go to Vegas and back so I went to the mountains, to the place where I first remember feeling close to my Savior. I went to the area where it happened and sang "How Great Thou Art". It was really cool because each time I sang the chorus the wind would blow through the trees and would make the beautiful sounds nature makes. After I finished the hymn, I said a little prayer of gratitude and made my way back down the mountain. Call it a tender mercy or not, I know that I am a child of God and that I am supposed to be here at this time. I know that He loves all His children and wants nothing more than for us to be obedient and return to His presence.

I Belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints!

Saturday was...just perfect. Not my ideal day but it's just what I needed at this time in my life. I woke up around 3:30 am to drop Joshua and Kim off at the school for the leadership workshop with Dr. Tim in Phoenix, AZ. I've attended that workshop at least two times and it's really cool because the things he teaches really go along with gospel principles as well as "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". Being a good person because that's part of your character will show in your actions and will naturally inspire others to be better people. After dropping them off I went back to sleep (of course!) and woke up again around 7:30 to help the White Cliffs ward clean the church building. I had helped the Long Mountain ward clean the church building twice so I was used to just having someone sitting by the cleaning supplies and handing out jobs to do but that was not the case with White Cliffs. I couldn't find the person in charge and everything seemed to be taken care of so I went back home and applied for Love's gas station (cashier and clerk for Subway and the actual gas station part). Turns out one of my friends, Rusty, works there. Hopefully he can put in a good word for me. At 11 am a few members of the YSA met at the stake center to do baptisms for the dead with the youth of the Long Mountain ward. There were six of us from the YSA; Diane Cramer, Amber Vargas, Ben Gale, Dominique Rodriguez, B.J. Turney, and myself. The best part was that the six of us all rode in the same car! What a blast!!! It started out with Amber driving, Ben in the passenger seat, then me behind Amber, Diane next to me, B.J. then Dominique. Amber let Diane drive because she's not a fan of driving in Vegas and she wasn't sure where the temple was. So it switched to Diane driving, me in the passenger seat, Amber behind Diane, Ben, Dominique, then B.J. Amber wasn't able to go down to the font with us but she enjoyed the grounds of the temple, which are always so lovely! Diane, Ben, B.J. and Dominique have been endowed so they got to ride the elevator down. I wonder if there's some significance to that or if it's because endowed members are usually older so they just try to make it convenient for all endowed members... I don't know. Anyway, when we get to the chapel we wait for a while. Turns out the man conducting our meeting was new to it. We sing "Come, Follow Me" and have an opening prayer then the First Counselor of the Temple Presidency address us. I don't remember everything he said but he invited us to follow the Savior and return to the temple as often as we could and encouraged us to have our own limited use recommend. I do have one of those, it's just a matter of having gas money and time. I've got plenty of time now, just not a whole lot of moolah. The actual baptizing and confirming was a little different than any other time I went. Some were just baptized and some were able to be both confirmed and baptized. Diane just did baptisms and I got to do both. Ben, B.J, and Dom helped the Melchizedek Priesthood holders that witnessed and dunked. Ben told me later than he really wanted to baptize Diane and I, which was sweet but the guy who did baptize us knew one my sisters in Flagstaff. I didn't know which one and I forgot to ask. I'm thinking Angela just because he seemed about the same age as her but it's always interesting to find those little connections in life. On the way home Diane drove, B.J. sat up front then it was me, Amber, Ben, and Dominique in the back. Amber and I do not have the narrowest hips so we ended up spooning a little bit. Just a whole lot of fun and giggles. We got home around 6 pm, enough time to go home, eat, sit for a little bit, then head on over to the Rutherford building for David Cruz's baptism!!! I really enjoyed the talks given. The talk on baptism was just simple and I really like how he worded it all. The ordinance is very quick but it opens a gate to a path. Just simple, sweet, and to the point. Maddie Peterson gave a talk on the Holy Ghost. Again simple but perfect. Before the baptism began I sat next to Amber and we got to talking and I'm excited for the day she can do baptisms with us. She's excited and I don't blame her. I've always kind of taken it for granted but it really is a huge blessing and to see someone work towards it because they know it's true. She's come a long way and I love her dearly and can hardly wait till she can go through those doors with us. We're going to go to the temple the first weekend she's got her recommend! After the baptism the Pease family invited everyone to swim at their house. I wasn't sure how to get to their house so I drove to Amber's and we carpooled. It was a jolly good time. Not perfect but a jolly good time. We ended up staying till about 11 pm. Poor Maddie, she had the feet flippers on and was pretending to swim like a mermaid under water and ran into the wall! She came up and had a pretty good sized scrape. It ended up bleeding and almost getting into her eyes. Luckily Brian followed her home and I found out yesterday that her parents would wake her up every two hours. I was very glad to see her alive on Sunday. When Amber and I got to her house we were talking about stuff and I ended up going inside with her. She basically told me about how her and Ben starting getting so close. When her brother, Rusty, got home she started telling me about her work place. It ended up going on until about 3 am. Needless to say my mom was worried sick because my phone had died and I didn't think to call her but it was just a wonderful day. I went to the temple that day fasting for employment. I've been looking for a job for a while now but no one has called me back or anything so I was becoming discouraged. I was beginning to wonder if I should even bother staying in Kingman longer than a few more months. I fasted for a job but that day I gained a testimony that the Lord really knows our hearts and our desires. It's only Monday so I'm not expecting a whole bunch of phone calls today but I know that I am supposed to be here and that things will work themselves out. I'm still working for my mom and trying to make her yard look awesome. She's noticed that I've been working out there so that's good. There's still a lot I need to do but it is coming along. I plan on attending MCC in the spring and getting my CNA certification and possibly a Medical Billing and Coding degree or whatever it is I need to do that. One last thing. I've been invited to paint with Sam, Ben, and Amber. I'm excited to say the least so I'll blog about that for sure. :D

Curve Ball

So if you read my last post I said I'd be going to Mohave Community College and working as a CNA. That didn't work out. I don't think I'll be attending MCC at all. My true intent was to go to MCC this fall semester but they only have one person evaluating transcripts for three campuses! Huge oversight in my opinion. Anyway that didn't really fall through. I've been looking for a job and nothing has come through with that as well. I've been doing work around the house/yard for my mom which gets me some money. Not a lot but enough to get by. I know that I'm supposed to be here for some reason. I'm not quite sure what that reason is yet but I feel like it's something big and important. Like my time back in Kingman is going to affect the rest of my life. I've been reading The Book of Mormon again. It's been a while since I have so it's good to reread it and notice the things I didn't or have a better understanding of what the prophets are teaching. I finished "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" last night. Truly an inspiring book! My mom wants me to read a book called "Aspire". I think it's kind of along the same lines as 7 habits but focusing on the power of words. I have always thought that words are very powerful both for good and bad. Actions do speak louder than words but words still speak. Overall, I'm really excited about life and I'm going to start reading "Aspire" today. My brother Bob read it and he seemed excited so I can't wait to have my mind blown! My most recent adventure happened this morning. I went into the kitchen to make breakfast for myself and had a craving for pancakes with strawberry syrup. We had some frozen buttermilk pancakes but no strawberry syrup so... I decided to make some! We have frozen strawberries for smoothies and what not so I defrosted them and got creative. I have never made syrup in my life but the final product was pretty darn tasty! Not perfect but edible and tasty. I want to be better at doing this so I need to start living my life so I can write awesome things and share it with whoever wants to read this :)

It's been a while

Almost a year. Needless to say a lot of things have happened. I'm still single but I'm really okay with it. I need to figure out how I want to live my life and just do it and then if a guy wants to join me, he will.

I got a credit card and therefore I have some debt to pay off... But I am really close to getting it paid off and once I do I plan on going to Six Flags Magic Mountain with Brian Barker, Joshua Shupe, Josiah Sanchez, and probably Chelaine Hoffer and Kara Paul. But who knows, right?

I'm going back to Kingman August 1st, 2011 to be a CNA (certified nurse's assistant). It only takes a semester so I can start working full-time! I really want to get out of debt as far as student loans are concerned and if I can do it fairly quickly I may go on a mission but there's still time to plan for that.

I'm almost 20 (about 18 more days)! I'm not 100% sure what I'll be doing to celebrate but there will be pink lemonade in a teapot and Lake Mary. Even if I have to go myself, it's going to happen.

I'm currently living with Stephen and Sarah Padilla (Sarah used to be Sarah Robles). I still get to do my normal routine (work and then play) but I get to babysit her kids when she needs me to. They are wonderful! Andrew is 5, Barrett is 3, and Presley is almost 1 and has started walking a little bit.

I have found someone that I think I can tell everything to. I mean everything. There's a lot that I've told people about my past but there's still one big secret that no one knows, not even my mom or my younger brother or anyone I've called a best friend but I think I could tell him. I don't know if I will because it's not just something you bring up in a casual conversation. If he asks about it then I will but I'm not ready to just blurt it out.

This same friend has also gotten me addicted to Tumblr.com. It's kind of a problem.

I started reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. I'm only on the 1st habit but it truly is inspiring and I need to purchase it for myself, (I borrowed it from my old roommate

Being lost is an awfully great adventure.

Today was my first time on Flagstaff's urban trail. I lived here for a year and had heard how beautiful it was but never had taken the time to see it for myself. I really felt like I was in a completely different place. Like the sacred garden or my personal piece of heaven. Even when I saw others on the trail.

Due to my serious lack of responsibility I have been somewhat forced to move back to Flagstaff. At first I hated the idea but now I feel this is my official new chapter in my life. Thanks to the skills I've learned from Vector Marketing I know that I can still be a rock star anywhere I go. I will still sell when I can but I'm going to also try everything I've always been afraid to do. I don't want to be afraid of succeeding anymore. It's a silly thing to fear

Speaking of Vector Marketing; Amber and I started talking because there were a lot of things on my mind. Bryan being one of them. I think if I were to go back to kingman I would go trying to impress him. We were talking about what we want out of our significant other and I want someone who knows how weird I am, how odd my sense of humor is, someone who knows how I think and still likes me. I feel like I've already scared him. So that's that. He said he would come visit me but as soon as he said " I promise " I didn't expect him to ever come. I have some trust issues. Especially with boys I don't know very well.

I sent an application into the city of kingman office for a part time transit operator. We'll see what comes of it.

Remember me tonight, when you're asleep.

One more week until our vector marketing conference and 34 days until I turn 19. It's been five days since Grandpa Proctor's funeral and three days since Grandma and Grandpa Proctor's anniversary.
It just amazes me how I can have so many different thoughts about life and people in my life in just a short amount of time. Up until Monday night I thought I was practically in love with my manager but in just reading an article in the New Era can change how I look at him. Pretty much I "loved" him because he makes me happy. I enjoy talking with him (we have to call before and after every demo). He seemed to make me feel like I could really do anything but I feel like he's good at it cause he has to. I feel like we could be really good friends but I don't know if that's something he'd be interested in. I mean it's a summer job. Maybe that's how long our "relationship" will last.

I've come to the conclusion that I probably will not have some summer romance. Or any type of romance for a while. I need to guard my heart a little bit and try to make it a little stronger so it can fight a little better :)

I am not alone. I never have been. I don't know why I thought I was. It seemed easier to complain about it but I realize now that I really don't need to cause I am not the first one to feel bad for herself. To feel like she will never get a happily ever after or have her first kiss. I think once I realize that even if I don't get those things, I WILL BE OKAY! Life is short so I'm just going to have fun and do my best to be my best. Thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooo much Maddie and Tegan. I wasn't sure if coming home would be a good idea but I know this is what I needed. You two are the best.

Keep on the Sunny Side

So I am super excited about my job at Vector Marketing. Mind you, it's still not the easiest thing but I'm having fun and I like meeting new people and I truly am in love with cutco. I'm sure some of my friends still think I'm crazy for doing this but life is short so why not be crazy for a summer? I also get to spend a lot of time with Tegan Gibelyou and a new friend Maddie Peterson. These two ladies are just great and I love them dearly. All three of us were promoted(?) to Key Staff. Basically that means we're awesome. Things are still moving pretty slowly but I feel like that will change soon and if not, then I did my best and will keep at it cause I want to!

It's going to be a long half summer...

So I have recently started working with Vector Marketing selling Cutco Cutlery in good ol' Kingman Arizona. It's great that it's in Kingman because I know a lot of people/families but selling stuff is hard! Don't get me wrong it's something I'm excited about, especially the product and the opportunity to try something new and challenging but it is not so easy. And the fact that my manager is really cute and just a little older than me doesn't help. I'm a classic fool but I admit I'm learning faster. The goal is to just not even get attached. Anyway, I made the mistake of thinking I was a "favorite" to say the least but he's "far too busy and important" and I'm not planning on staying here for the entire summer.

Back to Cutco Cutlery.

I am going to stick it through. It would be easier to give up and take things personally but I want to prove to those who doubted and to myself that I can do this even though it's not easy. Especially because it's not easy. This is probably going to be the most educational summer of my life. At least that's what I imagine in me mind ;)

An Update

So I have made my final decision concerning my career and major. I am going to be a special education teacher. I can see myself really enjoying it and I will definitely have a job once I graduate.

Lately I've been feeling somewhat conflicted... I need to find a summer job and try to be more social. My friend Aerol is making a little movie over the summer and he's asked me to help. Last time I spent a summer with Aerol I had some serious emotional issues. I still have some emotional issues but more on that later. I want to see him but my best-est friend, James, doesn't want me to... I really want to stay here and try to get more comfortable if that's possible.

About the job; my boss, Pete, is sexist. I'm not saying that just because of this event. He's always been sexist. Since there are some issues with budgets and people sitting around Pete and Judy have decided to only let six people work this summer. Personally I wanted to try to find a new job anyway but I didn't think I would be forced to in order to survive. Amber's pretty ticked off so I hear about it a lot. I'll try to let you know how it turns out.

My emotional issues; I've always had a hard time with self esteem but I'm now realizing that I am scared of people. In first grade I was forced into a tree by two boys I had hung out with almost an entire year. I really don't know why they did it but I don't think I want to know. It seems kind of stupid now but when you're only in first grade and think everything is okay and then the next thing you know your "friends" are throwing rocks at you and when you try to run away they grab you and try to tear you down. In third grade my own sister forced me to kiss a boy that I had no intention of kissing. I tried to hide but they found me and wouldn't let me go until I did it. I've never felt so disgusting in my life. In fifth grade the same sister would come home and ask if she could pee on my grave when I died. I won't tell every story but I feel like I have been abused and neglected to I run and I hide from everyone because I am afraid and I HATE it.

I have built a wall around me and I wait to see who will climb over to "save" me. I wait and just hope that they won't be like everyone else. This last Friday I asked someone not to give up on me. I never thought I would ask that but I see it as improvement. I want him to hang around but it's not fair to force him. He said he wouldn't give up on me if I didn't give up on me so this is me not giving up.